Dear Santa

I often, (original title) mention what kinda mother I strive to be and what kinda relationship I hope to obtain with my children as they get older. And that truly has become my main goal in life. If I can raise these two to be happy and successful before my time with them then every minute every tear and every extra hour away from them would all be worth it. So, the reason why this is heavy on my mind is because Marlene wrote Santa a letter and I always tell her to write him and ask him for three of her main "wants" and list her #1 first so that he knows if he cant give her all 3 then he takes care of the main depending on where she made it on the "nice list". And since santa = mom & dad & grandma & there auntie lol we cover alot of ground and make it happen. And when she closes it she ends it with to make sure other girls and boys have a merry christmas too. All this I knew, and every year I read there letters and get the main and give the big man credit lol. So this year she added a little extra that I thought was extra cute, for her brother she asked that Santa get him a sonic sweater to keep him warm, and her grandma a snuggie cause she's always cold. I'm currently hunting for a sonic sweater, but by luck found some sonic fleece pj's. So those are gonna be marked by Santa I'm sure Marlene will make the connection she's super smart. And of course grandma will be gettin a snuggie from Santa as well. I'm ubbber excited!! Yay!!

Movie Saturday

So as our last hoorah before Christmas we took the kids to see a movie, well kinda lol. The girls went to see Tangled which was SUPER cute I'd totally recommend it and can't wait to get it on dvd yayyy!!
The boys went to see Mega Mind and June liked it. Jesse said it coulda been a little funnier, I personally wouldn't know cause I didn't see it lol.

What a week.

So my thursday kinda sucked Jesse took the kids and spent the day at his mothers. I didn't like the idea and was gonna put up a fight but then, he asked well if they wanna go can they? So we let an 8 year old and a six year old decide how they wanted to spend there thanksgiving. And they decided to go with there daddy. Who I was still really upset with because I knew that was gonna happen I felt it. He was gonna play it off till the very last day that he still didn't know what he was gonna do and then come wednesday night what a surprise he wanted to go to momma's. I was freaken pissed. I knew it and he can deny it all I want were over it now, but when we argued about it he kept sayin he didn't know it wasn't planned, blah blah blah is all I heard I really don't believe that. And this was the 1st of 11 thanksgivings that we spent apart. And I was sad not just cause of that but my kids went too, I cried. Then too make things better he was supposed to head back at 3 and didn't so I went to work with out seein my babes :(. But he swears he tried. Then there was black friday OMG!!! people it really isn't that serious are store looked like SHIT!! And I worked til 3:30 am Uggh!

What's in a name.....?

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet"
- William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, 2.2
I thought of this famous Shakespearean quote when this topic came to mind. Jesse and I have been married almost 10 years now. And when we 1st got together, his ex. Has a son that was born in the middle of her two girls with Jesse, but he has a different father. It bothered me in the beginning and lookin back I'm sure that there was both an immature and mature reason behind it. When I had our son it bothered me a little more, my son will carry his father's name on to his children and maybe to a son who will someday do the same. And, so on and so on. Marlene however will not be-able to do that cause she will someday take one the name of another. So with that bein said that poor kid will pass on a name that isn't his for who knows how many centuries and even though that's his legal name, he has no ties to the family that carries it. I mean sure his sisters share the same last name but he doesn't come to this side of the families events. Jesse, will not be his kids grandfather. I truly believe that his mom is selfish and is completely oblivious to what she's done, and maybe she's not she is after all one diabolical woman. I'll admit that the immature side of me, is because he's not Jesse's kid. But even with that being acknowledged it doesn't debunk the fact that he'll be passin on a name that is not his. I know that it sucks that he's young and even when he's older he might not care at all. And he has that right. It had came up years ago, the name. And Jesse's ex told him that his dad's family paid to had it changed. But I think she said to test him. Cause today it hit me, the kids runnin around with that name still.

Well at the end of the day it's REALLY not my business, just my thought on the situation and like Shakespeare pointed out with a different name would he really be different??

What if?!?!?

What if you were told that you world as you know it was in your hands? I'd take it as a serious vital eye opening phrase. Wouldn't you? I mean would you just sit there and ignore the suggestion period? Or would you seriously start re-thinkin your actions and find out what was wrong and how to fix it before it's all TOO late. And you seriously lose it all? I know I would, wouldn't you? I'll tell you who wouldn't Jesse, that's right? Jesse. I sent him "our marriage is in your hands" almost an hour ago. And he hasn't replied or tried to talk or anything. I'm starting to think that he REALLY just doesn't give a flying fuck. Uggh, I gotta hold it together though. I'm ALWAYS the one who gives up and in, NOT this time!!

..Uggh

Just when things seem to be gettin better there's somethin that ALWAYS get's in our way and I am stuck asking myself. What now? Where do we go from here? Jesse, still hasn't opened up to me about stuff that might be botherin him, and my problem might be that I have no problem expressing when I am upset. His actions lately have been somewhat hurtful. And he's completely oblivious to the fact. And, I just shut down. Whats the point it's not gonna change I know this. It's funny less then a month ago, he was askin me or tellin me that my friend had text and he felt that it was in appropriate hours. I told him that I would change that and he said it doesn't bother him. Because were better then the couples that struggle with insecurities such as that, little does he know. Were slowly slidden into that "nature" of things. And those couples we would laugh at we're no longer above them. What the hell happened? Where did I go wrong? This summer has completely changed me, ruined my life. And now, I don't know how to shut it off I got so used to biting my tongue about things. And Now, I wont! Anywho he knows that I struggle with sleepin on sat. I always struggle with sleepin but saturdays are especially hard seein as how I work at 4 am sunday. And were in bed, I'm tossing and turning and his phone is goin off. And I think that it's funny, because shouldn't bed time be an inappropriate text time. And it only upset me because when he had brought it up the 1st time I had mentioned that his friend had text him at the same hours a few times. He said no, and even though I know that she had. I didn't argue it. It's whatever. But his phone keeps goin off aknowledging the fact that I'm restless. He asks if I need him to put me to sleep. Uggh, no I was still upset with him because his kids. (Whole other incident). So he gets out a bed and leaves and after about twenty min, i text him askin what he's doin. And he says textin *** I haven't talked to her in 2 weeks. And didn't wanna keep you up. Geee thanks cause that really helped me sleep. NOT! So he can text till 1 am, I can't. Like that's the point. Right now, I'm just super annoyed with him.

I'm so, EXCITED

I could scream lol. But I wont because it'll do no good you wont hear it. Normally Christmas shoppin isn't somethin I enjoy doin. And I almost ALWAYS never know what to get people. Sometimes even shoppin for my mom and sister are hard and I've known them all MY life. But this year I've been gettin all kindsa great ideas and I cant wait to see my families face when they receive them it's gonna be the best thing EVER. So due to some privacy issues lol I won't mention any of my ideas on here. But I will keep you posted and pics to come.

...Thanksgiving

I know it's too early for that, but apparently I'll be spending Thanksgiving alone. Or, well with my family. As of this moment Jesse and I are not talking. And he made plans to spend Thanksgiving with his mother and his other children which IS ok. But he went out of his way to mention that my family MIGHT do something. So that tells me that he's planning to spend it with out me. So that's the plan. I'm not even gonna try to change my plans and go out of the way to spend the day with him either!

...Oh the drama

Haha, yes things are always crazy and my life has been goin in this vicious cicrle for sometime now. I tried to "NOT care" but I guess in the end I'm just not that kinda person. Truth of it be told I can only do so much in my situation anyways so when it come's down to it if you (Jesse) like being treated like shit, then who am I to try to change it? Right? Yes it's the "step-children" again. And, I've had it. Plus Jesse not standin up for me or himself at this point is a little old and I'm tired of the shit. His youngest daughter from the previous relationship has been actin a fool lol in the literal sense postin her buis and all her brainwashed enrage all over facebook. Leavin ugly little status's that I would consider rather personal and immature and hurtful. And of course after every influenced post her mother has to coincidentally comment makin herself look like the mother of the f'n year. And it pisses me off I hate to see them hurt Jesse it's a big fucken game to them and were well aware of it. I thought that he was as upset with it as I was. And there mother had been tryin to call him, after a failed attempt of reaching him yesterday she text him askin "y can't you answer your phone?". So he got up and headed to our room to cal her, I gave him his peace and quiet honestly I don't know what I expected but due to my better lack of judgment after about 30 min I walk in the room. And he's laughing and gettin off the phone. So I of course had no interest in what happened after that. And kept it short with him the rest of the evening. I was mad to say the least so I posted my status as "Your all full of shit". Lol, my own little message to all of them I'll admit Jesse included. And haha someone knew that the message was for her cause Al asked "who's all full of shit" I ignored it. But then my dumb ass sister decided to say "this bitch has lost it" Which the other al, got a big kick out of it and posted hahhaha so then I commented my sister sayin "no seester I haven't" then that little shit posted "who you mad at my mom?" Uggh, lol so I said "hhahah NO" then she was like "damn in big letters" I just said "I'm not sure where you got that from, and the big letters are subtle." The real reason for the post was to get Jesse's attention anyways and that back fired. So then I made my status the lyrics from Eminem's : Almost Famous. Which goes : You dream of trading places, I have been changing faces. You can not fill these shoes, There is too much too lose. That's just the part I posted and then she had to get all dramatic :then come in my shoesD: and your know what im going though. Irritating I know!!! So I responded with the name and title of the song. Then I tried to tell Jesse that I'm tired of the bull and his response is "delete her" like serious? What the Fuck would that solve??

My decision

I shared a VERY personal time, via blog. And I poured alot of my feelings, thoughts and emotions into every min of it (i still do). But I have decided not to finish the 2nd half of the blog about our incident. It's very painful for me, I might reflect back to "it" from time to time. But I'm not trying to go back, were trying to go forward. So with that I will not be writing it. I will continue to blog about our && my personal struggles and IF someday that's where our road takes us then so be it. But for now, that chapter will remain skipped.

No such thing as personal property

Well, I have nice things. But I'm not at all materialistic I work hard to have what I have and so does Jesse. He tries his hardest to give me the world. But he got pretty lucky with me cause the world in my hands does not hold my contentment. A few months back Jesse and I were gonna go out, and I don't get too dolled up. But I like to at least look like someone that deserves to be out on the town with him. Serious that's how I feel. And, I'm normally pretty picky bout certain things and when we have a dinner date that I wanna dress up for I normally have a vision of what I wanna look like before I actually do lol. So, that particular night I wanted a certain hair clip. Yes a certain one. And I could not find it. I became a little irate and was looking up and down for it. I even told Jesse, ugghh where could it be? The next day, I went into my mother's restroom and it was there on the counter it appears she had worn it the night before to work and didn't return it to my hair clip box. I was quite annoyed buy the incident I don't ALWAYS do my hair nice, but I buy hair clips and when I wanna use one it should be there. If someone had obtained permission then I would of planned around it. Sound a little anal?? I don't think so. And, I'm not always so needy so it never occurs to me that I should make my feelings known. And, then the other day.......... I had bought this new make-up eyeshadow. Now I'm not a pro, but I like to test different shades out when I can. And try new looks. Well, the other morning my mother woke me up with what she likes to call a "true confession". Then she says that she was using my eyeshadow (the new one). And the sponge fell down the sink. She retrieved it, But the sinks inside is slimy so I might wanna wash it! Wth?!? Are you serious? Yes she was. And I was like Ugghh, MOM. And her demeanor was like hey I told you. Then the morning of Halloween I had to pack some make-up to take with me so that I can fix Marlene up &&&&& my eyeshadow was gone lol. I had to dig through her make-up to get mine!!

Trick O Treat

In the beginning of October, we asked the kids what they wanted to dress up as for Halloween. June said Link at first from Zelda and Rose wasn't so sure. As it got closer Jesse had given them a party city ad to see the costume's in case they changed there minds. And they of course did, I had originally approached Marlene about bein either Pocahontas and Or Jasmine from Aladdin. But she said No, no Princesses. So she picked "Princess Wildflower" an Indian but not Pocahontas. And, then the day before we go get costumes, she wants to be .......... a vampire. Of course.

And June, he decided to be Iron Man, which I thought was fun and I told everyone that he was Junie Stark. Now my sister didn't get her kids this Halloween due to the separation arrangements. So her a friend and my mother decided to participate in some thing that they were doin at my brothers church. So Jesse, the kids and I decided to go out to Hemet and have halloween out there at his mothers house, this was our 1st year by ourselves, we left his mom's house at 6pm. And by 7pm, the kids were done. In that hour they scored a von's bag full of candy and they were content with that. And when we got back to my mil's they handed out candy the rest of the night and they LOVED it. Everything was nice, and less stressful.

Paranormal Activity 2

Today Friday, Jesse has every Friday off I've been fortunate to get a few Fridays off with him. Today we had originally planned to meet his friend Amy. They have been good friends for 3 years now and have never actually physically met. So that's what was supposed to happen, but she had already said that if it rained today that she wouldn't be able to drive half way to meet us cause her windshield wipers weren't in great shape. So Jesse and I figured that we better have a back up plan. Which we really didn't. So when it was actually confirmed that his friend Amy couldn't make it then we just last minute decided dinner and a movie. We both had hometown buffet as our dinner choice so there was no compromise there. We'd been craving hometown buffet ever since he got a coupon for there breakfast, so I had originally suggested that's what we have for breakfast. Butttttt, apparently they only serve breakfast on the weekends. Lame. So we had dinner there and everything was yummy. I was not however impressed by there new "jetsons soda machine". At least that's what the high tech gizmo reminded me of. Lol, I felt the way my mom did when we introduced her to text messaging. Then the movie, earlier my sister Alicia had mentioned that Paranormal Activity came out today which I knew lol but I aint a scary movie type. I can watched scary movies but at home with Jesse, lol and his nicely goddly carved arms to bury my face in when the music intensifies lol. But, I suggested it anyways scary movies are so Jesse's thing. So when I mentioned to my mom that Jesse and I were gonna catch a movie she asked which one lol. I told her and she said I hope you shit your pants Lmao she's is tooooooo funny. But we made the 5:45 showing yayyyy us. Anyways the reasons why I don't like scary movies in a theater are because of the other idiots that are there watchin with us. Like during the movie tonight there was this one guy that would "Oooooh loooook ooooo" Lol you tell me would you really wanna look when someone is doin that??? I say Not. Then "Ooooo look at the windoooooooow ooooo" lol then a girl shrieks and, I. Jump lol or shriek too. I guess you might say I react on other people fear?? I'm not sure but yea not fun. So by the end of the movie which by the way I recommend unless of course your a chikity like myself lol then wait for the dvd release.

to come........

We've got:
* Bre's Burfday!! && my momma's too
* we got HALLOWEEN
* && whatever other trouble we can get into yay!! Keep ya posted.

step-kids

I didn't wanna take my blogs there, but I've been takin advantage of this say what I need to say stuff anyways so why not. Not that they know about it. And even if they did, the point of this is so I can be completely honest and not feel like I have to hide anything, with that being said I won't be sorry about it. I have plenty to blog about when it comes to that particular topic. But I'll just start with today. Sooooo, today on my way to work Jesse told me that his youngest had asked him if he could buy them there costume for halloween. She also said that if he couldn't that her mom said that she would. So, not cause we couldn't or he didn't want to but because he wasn't sure when he would actually get them, or go get them and it be to late and they not have the particular one that they wanted, he told her to let her mom go ahead and get them. That of course turned to shit, why because ALL of a sudden my/our kids [together] are loved more then they are. Ridiculous right? Oh, it gets better. The oldest one posts on her dad's facebook wall why cant you get our costumes? But you can get Marlene and Jesse there's. Come on this girl is 15 and taller then me, should she even be trick or treating?? Not that, that's the point. Then the younger one updates her status to "why tell me you love me, if it's a lie." SERIOUS?? Love comes at price???? What mother in her right mind would think it's ok to brainwash there kids like that. Yes there mother eggs it on. Then, Her mom of course has to comment her status by saying "thats all they know how to do" Ugggh!!! And I tell Jesse, well now no matter how bad they make you feel about it you cant buy them there costume's. Why?!?, Because if you do then there gonna pull this shit ALL the time. And it's not right. And, then by some miracle, yes I believe that this situation was touched by the hands of god himself [Yes, I'm being sarcastic]. Cause less then an hour later, "Thank you for my costume Mommy I Love You!!" it's a miracle I tell ya, a miracle. Just to make Jesse look bad. Come on an hour later?

...back to the bull

So, Saturday I had to work 9-5 longest shift of my life. Serious I hate 9-5's on a sat. There just no fun at all. So I go almost the whole shift and I'm sweating and congested and I know what's next. I tell myself that I'ma get a bottle of nyquil before I go home. But then we get hit by a bus. A bunch of tourists from Japan come in acting like they aint never seen a kmart before. The lines got crazy long and I swear I spent the last hour helpin bag the transaction, yes 1. One transaction that equal a whopping $1,700 and some change. And as I was doin that I got into it with a crack head lol literally she wanted to lend them her rewards card so that there transaction went to her I said NO! Which of course didn't make her happy. So come 5'o clock I clock out and run for the door lol no jokes. Sunday was my 4am shift and I dragged my ass up outta bed and went. And I was doin good up until my friend Jesse brought me some nyquil, the 1st thing I do is take the shot. And like the shot heard round the world, I was done for. I left early and remained bed ridden til wed evening. Highly medicated might I ad. But by Wednesday it was time to tuff it up and drag my caboose to work and I made it lol just barely.

... steps #2

So I figure there's the Mental, Physical && Emotional. I'm done with the Mental.

... steps

So I've been in a funk lately and making all the wrong decisions about whats right and all the right decisions about keepin what's wrong wrong. It's come to the point where before I thought Jesse and I just weren't on the same page but now I'm not even sure that were in the same book. What to do??? Just walk away from 10 years? Like it was nothing. But in all seriousness how to you get it back? I've done some thinking and have realized that the mental part of me is over it, I've tried all I've tried, cried all I could cry. Talked all I could talk. I'll admit that I might have not said the right things or suggested the best suggestion. But at the end of the day all the tears, come from me. All the talking the arguing the letting go the forgiving forgetting all of it has been through me. The funny thing is last night I told Jesse that, and that I didn't feel like tryin. I'm just mentally done, his reply. How by talkin to Liz? By sayin nevermined cause I don't understand. I wanted to remind him, had he been the man that I fell in love with then Liz woulda never been a factor at all. I say nevermined because I give him a 100% always no matter what the topic. And when it's my turn to take the stage, he's lost doesn't understand. And I wanna scream!!!! Had we been talking about anythin else (he knows what I mean). He'd be a 100% into it. Maybe it's my fault. I'm too trusting and wanted to believe in him a 100% stuck by him through everything issues with his kids, his "hobby" his family my family. And the one time I need him... I get less. And I can force myself to be ok with it. But what good will that do??? Then instead of trying to talk to me he had to charge his phone. I had to text to see if his phone was done charging, and when it was i again got nothin.

...kid's today...

So Christmas has been on the brain lately. Workin retail does that to you. So yesterday Marlene and I were talkin and she decided to write out a "Christmas Wish List". Which is Ok with me, as a momma I wanna do everything I can to make my kid's happy. Not in a spoil them kinda way. But I work a lot and between that them, baby sitten and jus life in general I spend a lot of time workin for what they need rather then what they want. I'm actually very fortunate cause my kid's even though I exaggerate there madness sometimes there actually really good kid's. And one thing I pride myself in is that they understand. And there just as happy with our simple little lives as I am. Jesse and I spend a lot of time with them. And when we have a little extra cash we like to have lunch with them and shop get them a small somethin somethin. So when Marlene handed me her list. It was short and, not what I expected from an 8yr old. Her list went like this: 1. New Shoes 2. Skinny Jeans / New Clothes 3. Lap top. Not Ubber important because we got a Comp. 4. Make-up / Polish && 5. an Ipod && or Mp3 Player. Shocking I know. I'm not really sure how to approach this situation lol. I've created a monster?? Possibly. I don't believe I have but I think that I've influenced her in the wrong direction. The last couple of years Jesse and I have gotten her baby dolls and barbies and all that good girlie stuff that when I think back I remember wanting that stuff as a kid. When I hit 12 I asked for a stereo and at 17 a pager. But I think those were age appropriate gifts?!?! Right? Now the Mp3 Player I'm ok with. When I went into parenting lol like it was a hobby... but anyways when I decided to have kids I told myself that I wanna be the "cool" mom with rules and boundaries. I want my kids to be able to express themselves in who they are and what they do. And I feel that if I go about this the right way I will be able to have a close relationship with my children and trust them, in there decisions right I mean lol isn't that the way it works? I know that I'm foolin myself adolescents are meant to make mistakes that's how we learn right? But at the same time, my mom didn't do to bad and the mistakes we made were at a better age then the ages that they normally happen at. Who knows? Lol, but in the same sense. I don't wanna push Marlene into growing up to fast. Hmmmmm, so now what??

been thinking.

Maybe I should blog everyday. But I would of course need time to do that. So I'll be back on later tonight with a real blog. But anyways the reason why I'm entertaining that idea is so that way my life doesn't seem all bad lol. Because we/I do have really good day entangled in all the bad one's. But would that be kinda annoying? Lol, I don't want to use my blog as "social network" it's mainly a place for me to ease my mind when somethin is really on it. I don't wanna be. worked today, took a nap, had a burrito lol kinda blog. What do ya think, maybe I could pull it off. Well I aint gonna commit to it just yet. It's still just a thought.

...in 3 days

Well I've been super busy doin what I don't know lol. I'm not really sure. Been working, and school and kids. Lol you know all the normal stuff that I would do any other day. At work we are preparing ourselves for the next couple of months. So we've been kinda busy there. At home, it has it's moments sometimes it's nice and quiet and some times it's chaotic.
Jesse and I, well I'm not sure what I can say about us anymore. We have are moments or I have my moments. There's good days and bad days. The bad days have been out weighing the good days alot lately. I'm kinda tempted to have someone hit me on the back of my head and knock me back a few months ago. But if that were possible, when the moment that changed my world approached what would I do? How would I handle it? It would still happen because they were his choices not mine. So in the end maybe that bump in the head would do me no good. It hurts and I love him and I'm mad and I don't know what I want anymore. Then there are other obstacles that approach us like the other day with the girls mom. (That's another blog in itself.) I felt like he doesn't protect me or have my back. When you love someone your not supposed to let anyone hurt them, but then to do it yourself..... I feel like a fucken loser. Who holds on like a coward and for what I hurt for him, and he does nothin. It's not gonna change, I know this. And yet I hold on.
Anyways on Wednesday it will be our 9th year wedding anniversary yay! Right? Maybe, and were supposed to be planning a party for our 10th year surprise vow renewal. If we make it. Were hanging by a thread now. And we have absolutely NOTHIN planned I'm even workin the actual day. So is he. Am I surprised no not really we normally can't afford to do anythin anyways with just payin rent and Christmas around the coroner. But I guess a romantics heart would like to think that maybe because of what we've been through maybe there is a little somethin planned or a small gift to remind me that he loves me. But there isn't it will be just another day. And another day that I will hide how I feel and smile for everyone to make there day. Cause that's just me.
It's actually funny the other day he told me that he wanted to marry me again, and I asked him yea? And he said yea and how he'd like to marry me infront of more people this time I just let him talk. Then he says you have to think about it? I said think bout what? Marrying me? he say's. And I joke, well to him it will probably be a joke but I told him you didn't ask me. His reply Oh Ok. Now, maybe in my heart I'd like for him to propose this time, He didn't the 1st time. Neither did I it was more like hey you know what we should do? Yea let's do it. But, with as much as I feel that I don't know him anymore. I know him when I say this, it wont even cross his mind. And me suggest it? No, it should be somethin that in his heart he feels like doin.

Facebook

So lately Marlene has been playin the games on my facebook. But it tends to get a little crowded. Im's pop up statuses are updated and she freaks out when they interrupt her lol. So, she asked if she could have a facebook. Haha I told her you better ask your daddy. So she did and he was curious as to why she would want one so he asks her. Who do you know that has a facebook. And she bein the little genius that she is replies. You, Mom my sisters, my Auntie Poochie. Lol, so daddy agreed and I set it up for her we WILL of course be monitoring all that goes on. But she doesn't mind that she's super excited about it. Haha kid's these days, society is seriously creating little monsters. I don't mind I think it's cute that they can make up there mind about fashion, music and etc... But I hope that I can control it. I think that as long as Jesse and I meet her half way on things we'll be fine. I hope. I know that my mom made it hard for me, I don't blame her for the material aspect of it. But as far as dating, and hanging out and make-up. I'm hoping that I'll be able to utilize them with Marlene establishing a healthy mother daughter relationship. Plus I know what it's like to hide stuff, and get caught. I don't want that. I guess only time will tell.

Sweetness

Ok, so this blog is a little funny. So via facebook, I had posted a status that said "fresh crab meat salad and beer, I'm ready!" and a friend from work a young guy. Commented "Wow sweetness i love crab salad."
I seriously paid it no mind, then the next morning as I lay in Jesse's arms. And were talkin. Then he say's "I love you sweetness". Lol, I didn't get it I was like what, where'd you get that from? Then he say's haven't you been on your facebook. Lol then it hit me, he took it as "Wow, Sweetness,..... i love crab salad" Like he was callin me sweetness. I tell him Omg, lol your way silly he meant like "wow sweetness" an expression. He eventually seen it my way but it was kinda cute. He got a lil jealous he almost NEVER does that.

church

I'm gettin ready for church right now. And am pretty excited about going. It sometimes help. I mean it always helps but lately when you leave there it definitely feels like your takin somethin with you from it. And I really need it. The message that the pastor delivers is always eye opening and definitely. Somethin that you can relate too, Right now I can slowly feel my marriage slipping through the cracks and sometimes I'm in denial about it and fight what I feel and sometimes I feel it as strong as ever and it makes me weak. And I shut out the one person that I need to get me through. It's funny how the karma in that works, the one person that can make me is the same one that can break me. God I'm lame. I've never been alone and wouldn't know how to go about it. And at the same time really don't wanna either. I just think that I'ma little to dependent of him and that's why I am like this. Either way I need to figure this mess out and sadly that's with out his help not cause I don't want it. But because he doesn't see the "situation" in the same light as I do, which makes it hard cause little does he know that he might hold the key to end this all.

D'land

Lol, I was a little hesitant to start this. I had a long night an even longer day and I'm beat lol. My feet hurt. But we had a blast it was nice. It started like any other family event. We were of course running late yellin at the kids and each other. Lol. You might know how it is?!?! But were half way out the door "hey did someone grab this?".. "where's the baby?" .. "Did we unplug everything?". Lol. All the normal hectic stuff. We got there hit a lot of rides, had lunch together. The best part other then us being together as a family and building memories for our children, were the turkey legs lol that's right the turkey legs. Since our last 2 trips we've seen people walkin buy with this huge ass drumstick lookin thing and it looks yummy. And this trip was it we vowed that we were gonna have one. After lunch we sat there and talked about this turkey leg, and all agreed that it would probably cost about $15 bucks a price we were all willing to pay. So after hunting them down literally we found them. Jesse and I shared one with Antalina. Alicia had her own && Michael and Christine shared there's. And all we paid were $8 dollars YAY!! Lol. Today was just an awesome day.

...bout that time

To get my blog on lol. Umm, ok so tomorrow were off to D'land. Again, and the kids are all ubber excited. 11 of us goin this time, lots of people, lots of kids and hopefully lots of fun. Can't wait. My brother and Christine are goin with us this time, and no chuck. But were takin my friend Antalina from work with us. So right now the house is crazy with kids and stuff. Come on MONDAY!!!
As for Jesse and I were ok, I think. Lately it's been good. But I still find myself frustrated and thinking or maybe over thinking a lot of things. I know that it isn't good for me it's just where I find myself at the moment. On sat, we were texting while I was at work. And I took notice at the fact that a lot of our responses were one worded. Yup, Cool, Ok, whatever lol etc. etc.... So I had text him and said that there was a new rule and that for now on we couldn't respond that way. No more one worded responses. I explained to him that I want us to be the way we were. And that I thought that would help strengthen our communication. So that lasted about a day, earlier today while texting he responded with jus one word, I called him on it. And his response was so did you. So I told him I only did cause you did, which he of course said no. So I let it go it's a petty thing to fight about so whatever. Then during another convo less then a hour later he responds "oh". So I tell him Oh is another one word response. He say's we gotta change that rule of yours. It upset me but whatever, he either one thinks we have a lot to talk bout or two doesn't care. I told him that it was to help strengthen our communications skills and lack there of. But OK. I give. He says "Nooo, never mined it's OK." Well after that I felt like I had even less to say. Our 9 years has been reduced to one worded comments and responses then fine, soon there wont be any communication at all.

...I give

I love him. That's it. The end. No matter how hurt mad or sad I am. I can't just walk away or watch him walk away. I knew the minute I met him that I loved him. And I knew the minute we married that I'm in it forever no matter what. And that's all there is. We've got a beautiful family. So I'ma do all I gotta do to pull us through. I know that in my heart were gonna make it.

Jesse

From the day that we met, He's always been someone who truly fights for the one's he loves. He's the least selfish man I know. I guess maybe that's what made me fall for him he is 8 years older then me but were just so good together that you wouldn't know it. When I look back I guess the thing that hurts most about all this is. Were comin up on our 9th wedding anniversary it's seriously like less then a month away. And in July was our 10th year together, I admit that we fell kinda quick and everything happened so fast. But it has NEVER felt wrong. Not one minute of it. And I would say that part of our marriage was gettin to know each other. And some say that were quite different. I'll admit that we kinda are, his family life is way different from mine, Lol in his family marriages last. My family, not so much lmao some of the cousins are lucky if they can pin point who the daddy is. They have huge family events were I swear there are close to a 100 people often, our family events growin up were my mom, me, my sis && booney. I'm way loud sarcastic and outspoken, he's somewhat timid but funny and more reserved but we've managed to make it work. I think that he tones me down and I brighten him up. (Just the way I see it.) But, now I barely know this man he's cold, and hard. This situation has left us both at way opposite sides of the tracks now. I know that many would agree I NEED TO GET OVER IT. He didn't cheat I know THAT!!! But it was his actions that hurt me. I am now some psycho that can't trust him, always thinks that he's hiding something I'm mush an insecure pile of mush. And he stands tall. Solid, firm and unbreakable maybe a little inconsiderate. Which isn't such a bad thing except for now I don't think even his mush of a wife can reach him and that hurts. I see him now and he has slowly taken that best friend that isn't gonna intrude position. You know the one that knows you belong to someone else but has always been there for you but wont say what you need to hear cause havin you in there life even if just as a friend is enough for them?? Yea that one. And I stay the mush that gets the it will be alright, he didn't mean to, nothing bad happened. I don't know this guy. He has been all I've ever known my everything, my reason for breathing, living and I feel expendable if I don't get my shit together. He doesn't wanna live like this neither do I but were not the same anymore.

against my better judgement...

So, we didn't speak all night until this morning but kept it brief. Like don't forget the kids lunch etc. etc.. I really didn't sleep much so after I ate I crawled into bed with him, I gave in and hugged him. It's so selfish of me. I was still upset but I know that if it's peace and sleep I need I find it in the arms of the same man that has made me feel this way in the 1st place. Then the urge hit. I decided to log on to his old myspace account. And, ................. his sent and trash are completely empty. Surprised, no not really his actions are that of a guilty man. Now, one might think that seein as how he hasn't used that account in a looooooooong time that maybe he deleted them. And I would maybe agree if I didn't know better. Amongst the fighting he had already given me the password, and I had already checked it bout a week after the "incident." So I know that the outbox and trash weren't empty. I had read some flirty emails. Then but they were one sided (kinda). But not much to bitch about seein as how I was goin through this other stuff. So, Now what to do??? He's sound asleep right now. I'm just so tired of the b.s. Do I tell him anything? I'll keep ya posted!

days like today...

Today went like any other day might, got kids up and off to school. Laid down with Jesse for a bit baby sat Bre. Kids came, home. A normal day like this would be fine, but for some reason I felt ubber annoyed. And I feel bad because a lot of the times I take my mood out on Jesse. Now more then ever. And I find myself annoyed and irritated especially with him. It's horrible, I know. I feel stuck in a rut. If a month ago you asked, if I saw Jesse and I together forever I woulda said YES no 2nd thoughts to it. But lately, I might not be so sure. I know that we LOVE each other and wanna be TOGETHER. But, is that enough? I'm not so sure anymore. I can feel that with each day that goes by we have less to say to each other and even less in common. I don't wanna give up, it's just the way I feel. I wanna get it back. So after 3 hours of not speaking to each other I go lay with him in bed before he has to leave. I feel so guilty, and I know that he's trying and I'm trying too. So I make myself pretend that I don't feel the way I do. I see him off to work and he leaves with a kiss and I love you. He texts he misses me and I reply that I miss him too. I find the text irritating but I do miss him. It's just lately we've been reassuring each other and maybe ourselves too that were in love and fine. Then I log on to my sisters myspace. Yes I still have access to one, and I still tend to check that bitches page for many reasons but one more important than the other. And that is because she has a picture of my husband on her page. And I'll admit that with this "incident" that's the word we use to describe it. I'm a complete psycho if Jesse still had the myspace addy that she had it would be worse. But I am constantly fighting the urge to check his phone, his email and his facebook. But each day I do. It's hard but I do. So on my sis page Jesse had this other myspace page that he erased everything and everyone from a long ass time ago. Like at least a year or two ago. And today I decide to click on it and guess what he logged on yesterday. I asked him bout it, and he said it was to read some old flirty emails I had sent him. Do I believe him? Maybe, Maybe not. But knowing what we just went through if that was REALLY the case. You think he mighta told me? Just so I wouldn't react the way I did?!?! But no he didn't. And why cause I honestly think HE JUST DOES NOT give a damn. He jokes: "who's checkin up on me? lol" I don't answer. Then I'm sure he got the hint cause he sends me, the user id and password. Guilty Conscience? Maybe Innocent Act? Maybe. But I'm not gonna check. Even if I find nothing. Will I believe it? Maybe not? So there's no point. I told him, I don't want that. And he replies OK. So here goes another long night for me.

And day's like today, are what set me back.

See it

Haven't seen it? Do it! Great movie Hot actors. And, I'll give it up Chris Brown acts his ass off in this movie. He of course had too. For now on, everything he does has to be good. Or he'll always be remembered for his one bad thing.

Sorry...

Hope that the blog posts aren't to jumpy lol. The road ahead of me... part 2 in works. Update: This day 2 of hopefully fixing our marriage. On Friday night after watchin Takers with Tara && Ally, we sat on the porch and had a talk. We needed to have. I tried to talk to him on thursday night via text and it went to shit. And the only reason why it was so important that he talk to me about this is because after everything he goes on to his usual normal topics, i'm not sure if he's completely oblivious to my depression but I can be sad, feelin lonely and on the verge of cryin and we just jump into normal before when we were happy conversation and it irritates me I don't even wanna talk to him, because it's like serious we can talk about anything EXCEPT for what I wanna talk bout. Literally, all I said was that if we were really gonna fix things and get past the past we needed to. He agreed but then said that he had nothing to say about the issue he just wants it to be over with. And, that there threw me. Again, and I told him never mined we didn't have to. He suggested that we should IF there were still things on my mind. OF COURSE there were, BUT to me he REALLY just did not care. So I told him the truth I feel like I can't talk to you (bout the situation that we were obviously in because of his choices.). He then asked if I feel that way cause he has nothin to say and I said no if you feel there's no point then there's no point it's pointless. I told him I get it now you REALLY don't care about how I feel you REALLY don't care what I think I get NOTHING from you and I REALLY have to GET OVER IT. I feel that somehow the "problems" are always put back on me no matter what they are I'm always the one that's sorry. He says he doesn't say what he feels because I don't believe him anyways. I just wasn't sure what to say anymore, He say's that's how he feels, he has no idea how I feel what it's like to be in my shoes at this moment. And, this situation has left me feelin, depressed, sad stupid and lonely. Not to mention the physical insecurities I'm dealin with. He calls me cutie or sexy and I wanna cry he say's he loves me so much and I just don't feel it. So I tell him the one thing that makes sense, because I honestly feel that somewhere down our road we lost it, and although we want it back so desperately it's not somethin that we can just fall into we well I can't just pretend that this didn't happen. (If my feelings make no sense now they will soon, I'm jumpin from topic to topic. Tryin to keep you posted and updated.) "You know, were not gonna work, we both feel that we cant talk to each other so there's no point." I honestly felt we lost "IT". And then the cold, heartless response, it was a horrible time why can't we just leave it in the past? It seems like all you wanna do is fight. Then, I didn't wanna talk to him. I didn't just wanna fight we've been together 10 years with no fighting why would I wanna start now?? I just wanted him to hear me out, I know answers were outta the question, but maybe if he acknowledged why I feel the way I do, or admitted that he was wrong. But instead he makes me feel like a insane person, who has lost there mind for no reason. I seriously felt like he believed that there was no reason to be sorry cause he did nothin wrong. His defense always is did I lead her on, flirt with her, compliment her?? and I feel like no, you didn't (not that I know of). But you sure did sit there texting her while sitten in bed with me, reading how bad she wanted you and your dick. So again were in the ugly circle.

the D word

Ok, so. After yet another very emotional and heart breaking fight. That Jesse and I had, I started to try to make amends. It's funny I'm always the one that throws in the towel. And, I realize that maybe is the reason why this last month is so hard to let go. It's because I make a point state my point, get ignored and told to just "get over it!" I swear I have never hated a comment as much as I hate that one. But at the end of the day, I try to just "get over it!" Because it really might not be worth the fight, losing my family, my marriage. Or so that's the way I see it I realize that it has gotten a little crazy, and the other night Jesse talked to me in a way that in 10 years he has never done, when that happened I reacted in a very emotional and angered way I couldn't believe it. Long story short, yesterday after 2 days of no sleep and a day of nothin to eat I give in and text him. Now, all I really wanted to know is if I was understanding the situation that we are currently in is right. And my understanding of it is: If I can't just "GET OVER IT", we aren't gonna work. We tried to talk but it's always just the same, vicious dirty circle. And it gets us nowhere, I seriously wish that someone would delete this last month from my head because that's what he wants. But with every question there is no answer, and with that comes another question, so what I want is understanding, that I wont ever get, he wont ever give. And that is where my choices come in limited. I 1 get over it or I 2 lose it. That's it! After 10 years that's ALL I get. And, that's where the problems come in, I have to settle. I'll live a paranoid jealous, insecure freak forever... and keep my family. Or, I lose my family and my mind is free. The choice is mine, and I love them all enough. Jesse included that my sanity might be the price I'm willing to pay to keep it together. And then there are moments like this morning. Yet another set back. Like I was sayin, I was ready to make amends. I would like to say we were talking, but I was talking. And I get the same Zombie'ish answers I always get, a nod, a i know. A, what is it you want? look. And like always no understanding and no answers. Then I proceed to say that a friend of mine and I were talking and she had asked me if "DIVORCE" was somethin that had gotten thrown out in the fights. I tell him, that I told her no, that it hadn't even crossed my mind. And then, I looked at him and asked did it cross yours??? anddddddd. He nod's Yes! and for the zillionth time I again take a dagger to my heart. He said that the reason why was because when I told him, to do whatever he wants. That he took it as I meant, with anything everything himself life. Just do whatever you want. But of course, it wasn't that way at all not that he would understand. Cause he doesn't try to. In his eye's I'm mad cause I wanna be, nothin happened "JUST GET OVER IT!!!!!". I do this to myself, I hurt myself. He did NOTHING to cost his TRUST && NOTHING that would justify the way I feel the way I hurt and what I fear. And, I have to just let it go. It's funny though with all he didn't do, the thought of divorce crossed his mind, HIS. What did I do????

the road ahead of me.... Part 1

I'm not exactly sure where it will lead, and who if anyone will be there when I get to the end of it. As of today, it's a cold dark murky and lonely road. A little less then a month ago. I was sitten at home oblivious to my surroundings. I guess when your in your perfect happy little bubble it's not easy to see the madness ahead. And I guess maybe that's what hurts the most I didn't ever see this coming. I know that she isn't worth our relationship. But Jesse's actions, were omg. He had originally told me to check this chick out when she friend requested him. I was like ehhh whatever lol. She had raunchy pic's in her pro of her in her bra. And one of her d.s lips (dick sucking). Serious that's what it says. So anyways bout a week later he text me while I was at work and was like hey that chicks crazy. She had sent him a message sayin "hey baby can you score me some meth? I'll make it worth your while." He said that he might delete her. So I didn't think nothin of it. A week later though I noticed she was still on his page, I asked him if he had heard back from her and he said No! Again I trusted him. So like two nights later we were watchin a friends kid. I was layin on our bed facing the comp and he was i'ming his daughter then somethin caught my eye, I noticed his inbox in the background and there was her face 4 or 5 times they had been messaging. I freaked out but didn't say anything. That night he turned the comp off and was super glued to his phone. Texting. I got the most gut wrenching feeling. The next morning when he was cooking breakfast I went through his phone and sure enough he was texting her. That night I decided to try to hack his myspace I didn't have the password but I did to his yahoo. I tried but seriously couldn't it wasn't me I'm not that person and when I tried I ended up barfing my brains out. And didn't go through with it. The next morning he was grocery shopping I text him, I was so weak. I had told myself that I would be strong and let him continue it see where it goes but my heart literally broke every time his phone went off. So I told him, I almost hacked your myspace twice, he asked why and I told him. You know why, he say's I want you to tell me and I said but you know. Then he says Why? We've been through this before. I didn't understand what he meant so when I replied huh? He says that we've both have had people say "inappropriate" things that we were friends with and I asked him "you text them all?" See what he doesn't know is that I had read some of there texts, and she was callin him, babe, love, hun. Talking bout watching girl on girl porn, she told him that she can suck dick like a porn star. He said You want me to stop I will, I told him NO! But I did want him to stop but I thought that he knew he was wrong, I wanted him to stop on his own cause it wasn't right. But his phone kept goin off. And every time it did my heart broke. I knew it was her and I didn't know what was being said. I couldn't eat or sleep all I seriously wanted to do was cry. That night, I went to work mad. And he didn't text tell almost 9. He asks "so you don't trust me anymore?", I asked him "do you seriously think that what your doin isn't wrong?". He asked "what??" I was so mad. I text him and told him "I can't believe your just gonna act like that", "act like what?" He asks. I tell him "never mined if your gonna talk to me like I'm stupid then don't talk to me." He completely broke my heart he then says that he isn't gonna live like this, so I need to decide where our future was going. He wouldn't even admit that he had done nothin wrong, but he was willing to give me up. I told him "for someone so FUCKEN innocent your not gonna put up much of a fight for your family." He then says "well what do you want me to do?" I ask "do you honestly think that your texting with her is appropriate?" He says "maybe some of hers weren't but every time she'd say somethin inappropriate I would tell her, I'm married". I let him have it, I told him "well maybe those were the texts I didn't read!" He was so shocked "you read my texts?" Yea I did I told him then he says "where do we go from here?". "I told him what do you mean? You did nothing wrong REMEMBER?" And that was the only apology I got, "I'm sorry I made a mistake but I didn't encourage it." Omg I was furious up until I admitted that I read his texts he was just gonna play it off, Like I was just some jealous wife. He wasn't gonna admit to anything. Then he says I'll delete my myspace and change my number if that will ease your mind. I told him "no your not doin it for me, your doin it for you. What all of a sudden you and the meth whore have nothin in common.??". And we didn't talk. I told him that I wanted to see the messages on his myspace and until he changed his number I wanted to see every text that she sent him. He didn't let me read his messages until almost a week later. But that night he told her that he couldn't talk to her no more. He thought that he was rid of her. I knew that he wasn't. The thing I didn't understand is how do you go from "hey baby can you score me meth, I'll make it worth your while to I'ma delete her, to texting her!!". The next day while we were at lunch was her 1st text sayin "hey thanks for introducing me to art we really hit it off." He showed me and said well that's good, But I told Jesse she's lying she wants your attention. I read some of the texts between them and she in NO way was interested in any of his friends. He didn't believe me sure enough around a hour later "if you don't want nothin to do with me just tell me instead of just ignoring me." He showed me and I told him you can text her and tell her but it wont stop. So he did he said "We cant talk no more" she says "why cant we be friends?" He says "I'm sorry but I told you I was married our conversations would take inappropriate turns and I see that you cant be my friend." He didn't hear back from her until later when she tells him "Our conversations were not inappropriate were both adults and both shared very personal information, I'm sorry that your "insecurities" don't allow you female friendship." I asked what she meant, but he of course doesn't know. The next morning he went and changed his phone number but he still hadn't deleted his myspace and I knew that she would be tryin to reach him. Knowing that I went into psycho over drive I was obsessed with the situation around us and 24/7 I was watching her page, and his page and her page and back and forth and the obsession was literally eatin me. And then, he decided to delete, I read his messages like he said I could and some threw me, in a bigger darker hole then what I was in. There was one message where she sayin that she'd make it worth his while without the drug's in that one message he says "Hey I aint tryin to sound like an asshole but I'm married and I don't cheat on my wife." Which made me feel good but the other three, yikes! He had deleted some messages not cause he knew I was gonna check them, before hand and they were in his trash folder so I went on to read them too. There's one where he asks what she's up to and her reply is "suckin on a big stick." His reply, "your crazy girl". Now, we all know that she has said that to get a "rise" out of him... and his answer kinda suggests that she did. He says no though. Then the original "Hey baby can you score me some meth?, I'll make it worth your while." was followed by an answer that noone that "knows" him would believe. "No, I might be able to get you some bud though." WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??? Man, I asked him bout it his answer is "I didn't want anything from her, I don't know why I said that". Well, as MUCH as I'd like to believe him I have some trouble doin so. The thing that hurts the most, Is you think you know someone then you realize that MAYBE you don't. I tried explaining to him, because he knows that I struggle with my looks. He's a very handsome guy and when were out in public I see the girls with there "WHAT IS HE DOIN WITH THAT LOOK?". I know that guys that LOOK like HIM, DONT give GIRLS that LOOK like ME a 2nd glance. I have always felt this way and now THIS. It's like he TOOK my low self esteem and ran it through the gutter. Then the 3rd shocker, on one of the messages he gives her his cell number 1st. She doesn't catch it, I don't understand how in the hell does it get to that? And he, knew what he was doin was wrong, she had already let him know that she would do him regardless of his marriage and he's giving her his number, and offering to get her bud. And when, I ask about it all I get is : IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK. He has no idea what I think and where my mind is now. So he deletes his myspace. And I tell him, she will contact me next. He doesn't believe me. Two days had past and were tryin to work things out. But I can't let it go it makes NO sense to me. And all I get is it was a MISTAKE. And my eating was getting harder to hold anythin down, and my sleeping was almost non existence. And obsessively I would check her page, and find little hidden messages, like one status was "doin your man". And Jesse, would be at work and I would tell him what it said. And he would tell me stay off of it. It's not for you. Why are you gonna let her get to you? But I couldn't stop. Then what night it happened she friend requested me, I told Jesse and he couldn't believe it. I ignored her, and she messaged me twice, both times sayin that I look familiar, and what school she went to. I finally wrote back, I knew then that wasn't a good idea. But this BITCH was obsessed with my husband and I needed to know why. I simply put "nope you don't look familiar to me" what I wanted to say: "Why didn't I look familiar when you were tryin to suck my husbands dick?". But I decided to play stupid like her. A couple days had passed and I was still finding it hard to "LET GO". When I received yet another message from her. Jesse and I had been fighting. And hiding. I don't share our problems with my family, or kids it's not there problem. And so I was going through this all ALONE literally. And it's hard when the one person that can make it better is the one that caused the pain. And the one person that you can talk to, you just cant anymore. Her message was like "you sure you look really familiar?". I reply "let's stop playin stupid we both know how we know each other". After that, she replied, "if you knew that we knew each other why didn't you say so??". I ignored her yet again. And while all this goin on Jesse and I are fighting, so much that it was just all bad. My head was killen me and my thoughts were too. When I finally heard back from her, the playin dumb game was over she had lost her patience. Lol. So her reply was .... "well your husband sure does and you damn well know that." That night things between me and Jesse got really bad, why? because she uploaded a picture of him to her myspace profile. I was FUCKEN pissed. He was too but that didn't matter not to me. I felt that he deserved it, In all honesty she made him look stupid and given his actions he deserved it. And again like white on rice I stayed steady watchin her page, I started deleting my myspace, a decision Jesse and I reached together, I didn't want to I wasn't used to facebook yet and alot of old friends were in my myspace, but I knew in my heart it had to be done.

Hello

Lol, it has been a little over three days since my last post. It's funny the way that things go. Before I reset my password, i was feigning to blog I needed to do it to share. But, lately I don't know. It's like honestly what am I afraid of. I've had time. It's just the next couple of topics are rough for me, and I know that I'm not REALLY sharing them with anyone. Although I kinda am, does that make sense? This past weekend, went pretty good. We had Michael's play at the home, then Sunday we ALL went to church then the beach. We all had a good time. Even Jesse and I seemed to be doin well. Then that night when I got home it all went bad. I just wanna be the Desi from early June. Now I'm SO Un-happy, depressed, angry and bitter, crazy and now even suffering from insomnia. Just Great! So, I'm workin up the nerve to blog, especiallywhile it's still fresh in my head. We will see. Here's some beach pics tho:

What a weekend...

Had the weekend off && it was pretty great lol, the only thing is I'm still way drained. I'm on vacation YAY me, lol. Not doin nothin at all literally. I requested vacation, in the spur of the moment. I just feel that I need a break. Not goin anywhere special, just gonna sit or lay lol at home and catch up on some r&&r or so that's the plan at least I'll keep ya posted. So I'll have a little more time to blog... see ya soon.

Mobile Phone Pics

&& then there was TWILIGHT

I know, I know not Twilight. So let me tell you how this all started, Marlene and I bought Twilight on dvd. For $6.99 lol I mention the price because we hadn't heard of the movie and or books. Saw it and thought lol if we don't like it we only lose $7. Right?!?!? Lol us bargain shoppers. Then we watched then we fell in love lol. So right after the movie, people kept sayin you gotta read the book the book is so much better at this point I realized what a sheltered life I live. Lol, I call and as B&K if they had the "Twilight" book, so sales rep says which one?!? Huh? Which one? Like duh I said Twilight. That's when I found out there were 4 books. Lol. I then realized that we carried it at slavemart lol. So I bought Twilight I read it, and liked it there were key points that the movie was missing, I shared the story with Marlene, and then................ Twilight ends with the 1st chapter to New Moon. I read and read and could not stop, Jesse promised the book set, but before he could keep his promise, New Moon turned into Eclipse & Eclipse turned into Breaking Dawn. And the kids, were hooked. Every morning before school we had a recap and Marlene would be dying to know what happened since the afternoon before, what happened last night? What happened while I was at school? We really bonded through this book, I read I translated and we were all fascinated. It was funny, my mom would always gripe put your phone down, but only now it was put the BOOK down. Then New Moon was out in theaters, now we weren't crazy nut bags that camped out in front of the theater. Lol. Marlene and June played hookie, I had requested the day off and at 6 am Marlene, June && I. Along with Tara, Mykayla, Alicia && Daniel we went and took our place in front of the line for the 1st showing. Marlene, Alicia && I wore matching shirts that said "Only A Vampire Can Love You Forever" we had our Jacob dog tags and we were ready.Eclipse came out && things didn't go according to plans. We ended up moving quite last minute might I add. So we didn't have the funds to do what we had done for New Moon and Marlene was crushed, she understood but we had built up that moment I mean markin the calender and counting down the days, and my heart broke, I let her down. So we watched a week after it came out, not exactly the way we had planned but it worked and we were all HAPPY again lol. Like I mighta mentioned we are TEAM JACOB LOL!!

mobichridis && twilight lol Part 3

Disneyland, May 11, 2010. June turned 6. And this was the 1st time since he was born that his birthday actually fell on Mother's Day! June's birth like Marlene's is and will always be unforgettable. I had him, on vacation, all alone. He's always been a momma's boy. He's daddies only boy so he pretty much knows how to work the system. It's crazy for me because I have 2 kids that are complete opposite's. They love each other so much, and fight all the time. But I laugh because they already got the code of no tellin on each other down. Man I'ma have it rough lol. It's funny cause when Marlene was a baby and into her toddler years, even now she's always been independent, not very need or mushy. When I had June, I was taken back like Oh God!!! What is this??? Lol. I always joke if i stop he'd end up, up my ass. He's always mom, mom, mom, mom moooooooooooooooooooooooom!!!!! way different for me.
But anyways we spent the day at Disneyland for him, and he loved it. Everyone went. It was Jesse, Me && Our 3 kids. Lol I say 3 cause we took Bre with us. Alicia, her soon to be ex-husband && there 2 monsters. My mom, Alvin (our cousin) and his son Joseph, who goes to school with Marlene & June. All in all our day was good except for one small thing lol. The cupcakes, we took June cupcakes so that we could sing to him, and they got all soggy. I was upset. We rode almost all the rides, June's and Bre's fave was Small World we rode that at least 3 times. And we seen Tinkerbell. We mighta seen more characters had we looked but we didn't we were there to have a good time and we did.

mobichridis && twilight lol Part 2

Marlene turned 8, and made me feel old. Lol. I remember everything about the day she was born. The songs I'd sing her as I rocked her to bed the stories that we read. Painting her baby toe's as she slept. Changing her diaper, and now... she is a 8yr. old with the attitude of a pre-teen well she tries to be anyway. She started the 3rd grade has gotten straight A's made honor roll. And is 100% Team Jacob lol. She drives me nuts at times, but I love her! We celebrated at the Big Cheese, Michael showed up and things were tense. Because Christine had barely requested a restraining order and he was stayin with baby momma #2 && Alicia hadn't talked to my mom or I for about a month. (That's another blog.) But he knew better then to ruin Marlene's day. And he didn't everyone had a good time.

mobichridis && twilight lol Part 1

Ok so, lemme explain the title first of all. It's a somewhat hyphenated title of what was missed since the last blogs. Mo= moving bi= birthdays chri= Christmas dis= Disney and then there was twilight lol. So 1st birthdays missed them all but, Marlene turned 8. Disneyland was June's 6th birthday and Bre's 1st birthday. Bre's one year milestone lol came 1st. and we threw a huge party provided all the food drinks and entertainment. Sounds all good right? Wrong, the only thing that was asked of Christine's family was that they provide prizes for the games, and her sister volunteered to provide one meat tray. We thought all right cool some carne asada somethin right. No, she bought bologna spread cream cheese in and wrapped it with a green onion, Omg! Yuck! Then some people were a little on the outta control side, Michael seemed a little drunk. And people started bein needy with the there aint enough sauce on my chicken mole, or this is cold... I wanted to scream and so did Alicia then Michael decides to hurt Christine by tellin her how her family acted when he didn't pay for jack shot either lol. We were mad, But bit our tongues hosted and fed everyone and made it a good day! This coming October though we will be planning a smaller more private affair.

Oh.Emm.Gee

So tonight I had planned on doin some more catchin up blogging, But. Today is Wednesday church night. We normally make dinner and have everyone over before we leave for church we even take Michael a plate. Tonight Jesse cooked for us and made fettuccine alfredo yummy! Tonight I had to work. So my kids go on ahead to church without me, I'm tellin you it's turned into a family event and we all enjoy it. Now, lately since june I'd say when it all started to go BAD. I started drinking. Now when I say that let me just share that it isn't a I need to have a drink situation it's more social then anything and I'll admit that when I am a little stressed I tend to have a good amount. BUT, I am never belligerent or stumbling over myself. And my kids have NEVER seen me drunk. It is VERY important to me that they NEVER do. I know that they have witnessed some of my brothers craziness but I have talked to them many of times that some people just cant drink. Michael bein one of them. So I'm at work and my mom texts me, that tonight they had a request from children in the nursery and asked the kids if they wanted to make out a special prayer for there friends, family or someone that they knew that were struggling. And Marlene asked them to pray for me. I kinda started to freak out. You see the 1st thing that jumped in my head was that it was because of what I am going through. And that broke my heart. I go outta my way so that my kids do not know when there father and I are having problems. They don't need to know there kids, our problems are ours and no one Else's especially our kids they don't need to worry or stress over us. Well then, I get a text back from my mom. She (marlene) asked that they prayed for me that, I will stop drinking. Then my mom says it's a sign. Lol. I tell my mom that's horrible.

I've decided not to have a talk with my daughter, because it was something important to her that she felt she needed god's help. But...... I am so freaken embarrassed lol. I am probably right now the church drunk, lol and when I cant make it because of work. They'll probably say, "She was probably to drunk to come". Lol, Oh My God!

Honesty

I wanted to throw this is in right quick, lol. I currently only have one follower, even though I blog I am still a normally private person. I plan to share my blogs eventually. But for right now maybe just a few will see. But, I will however keep it honest and true. There's no point in blogging if I have to sugar coat it and worry about people's feelings. This is my blog. I'll write about what I want, When I want and Who I want. I'm sayin this because I will soon share some personal stuff that I am struggling with and right now Jesse knows that I am excited about getting back to my blogging. He might someday read this, and I want him to know that this is what blogging is all about. I'm not looking for attention, sympathy, or apathy just a piece of mind.

Shift Change

I chose to write this 1st catchin up blog. Seein as it is 7:05am and I am up dealing with fussyness also known as Marlene. When I was last bloggin, Jesse was workin durin the day 8 to 4 or 5. So when the kids went to school, I was up gettin them ready, and he was up gettin ready too. One would think that meant I caught up on my rest right?? Nope, I still would get Bre and Sil. Then he went back to nights. He was gettin home at a pretty decent hour. But the kids would be gone. And for a moment after moving. Yes, we moved. I'll blog on that later. He was offered a promotion as warehouse manager up North. The thought scared me and I didn't wanna move. But I would've, for him. It truly was a great opportunity and he deserved/deserves it. He didn't get that promotion. And was ok with that. But he did get another position which brings us up to par on this blog. He is now workin 11pm to 7am. Ugggh, and I hate it there is no more off early. He's off at 7 no matter what. Which means, he of course is once again missing all the am fun. And that is and 8yr old goin on 17 and a needy 6 yr. old. Then he sleeps til they get outta school. I get homework done then I work, then I sleep what little I can and every morning at 6am, I am up to do it again. I know that he is the "Man, of the house." But I get no breaks, I think I wanna be gone all night lol and sleep all day lol. But, I guess that wouldn't make me a mother right?!?

Update

Let's see allot has happened since, my lasts posts. Update time. My brother, still in rehab. And is soon to be married, yes I know right??? And too, Christine. Crazy I know. So were in the process of planning a wedding, to take place in April. But, ... he's doing better in this home then he's done in the past && I'm thankful for that. He's in a men's home through the church, that my family and I have started to attend and I can honestly say that we LOVE it. We really do, my mom sis && tara (the bestie lol). Go every Wednesday. And Sunday's when my mom can she goes to but we normally work at 4 am. those days. I go, when I can. I plan to request Wednesday nights off so I can attend regularly I think that it'll be good for me. I feel the need for allot lately like blogging, and church. Lately, my life and things in it, have just been bad. So bad that I went out and bought those little cheesy black composition books. To, begin a somewhat journal. Glad I didn't have to.
My sis, is now in the process of a divorce, that my mom && I have been trying to help her get through. Chuck the ex. Is such a cheap asshole who wont keep food in the fridge so he don't have to feed her, and failed to purchase school clothes for his children, whatta prick.
Speaking of school, Marlene now, 8. Is in the 3rd grade. God I'm gettin old. And, June just started the 1st grade. Marlene right now, is driving me nuts lol. She's quite the fashionista. And, June he's still a big'ol momma's boy. And my 3rd, not completely mine, child. Breanna will be 2 in October, and she is ubber adorable and loved.
Jessse, and I. Have hit quite a major bump in the road and our relationship (That's a whole other blog lol.) I plan to blog more on it soon. But this 4th of July was our official 10yr. mark. Awhole decade. Oh and I turned 28 YIKES!!! and had the most horrible birth week ever.
So as you can see I've been occupied but more, blogs to come. Pic's too. I'm ubber excited about this!