the D word

Ok, so. After yet another very emotional and heart breaking fight. That Jesse and I had, I started to try to make amends. It's funny I'm always the one that throws in the towel. And, I realize that maybe is the reason why this last month is so hard to let go. It's because I make a point state my point, get ignored and told to just "get over it!" I swear I have never hated a comment as much as I hate that one. But at the end of the day, I try to just "get over it!" Because it really might not be worth the fight, losing my family, my marriage. Or so that's the way I see it I realize that it has gotten a little crazy, and the other night Jesse talked to me in a way that in 10 years he has never done, when that happened I reacted in a very emotional and angered way I couldn't believe it. Long story short, yesterday after 2 days of no sleep and a day of nothin to eat I give in and text him. Now, all I really wanted to know is if I was understanding the situation that we are currently in is right. And my understanding of it is: If I can't just "GET OVER IT", we aren't gonna work. We tried to talk but it's always just the same, vicious dirty circle. And it gets us nowhere, I seriously wish that someone would delete this last month from my head because that's what he wants. But with every question there is no answer, and with that comes another question, so what I want is understanding, that I wont ever get, he wont ever give. And that is where my choices come in limited. I 1 get over it or I 2 lose it. That's it! After 10 years that's ALL I get. And, that's where the problems come in, I have to settle. I'll live a paranoid jealous, insecure freak forever... and keep my family. Or, I lose my family and my mind is free. The choice is mine, and I love them all enough. Jesse included that my sanity might be the price I'm willing to pay to keep it together. And then there are moments like this morning. Yet another set back. Like I was sayin, I was ready to make amends. I would like to say we were talking, but I was talking. And I get the same Zombie'ish answers I always get, a nod, a i know. A, what is it you want? look. And like always no understanding and no answers. Then I proceed to say that a friend of mine and I were talking and she had asked me if "DIVORCE" was somethin that had gotten thrown out in the fights. I tell him, that I told her no, that it hadn't even crossed my mind. And then, I looked at him and asked did it cross yours??? anddddddd. He nod's Yes! and for the zillionth time I again take a dagger to my heart. He said that the reason why was because when I told him, to do whatever he wants. That he took it as I meant, with anything everything himself life. Just do whatever you want. But of course, it wasn't that way at all not that he would understand. Cause he doesn't try to. In his eye's I'm mad cause I wanna be, nothin happened "JUST GET OVER IT!!!!!". I do this to myself, I hurt myself. He did NOTHING to cost his TRUST && NOTHING that would justify the way I feel the way I hurt and what I fear. And, I have to just let it go. It's funny though with all he didn't do, the thought of divorce crossed his mind, HIS. What did I do????