Sorry...

Hope that the blog posts aren't to jumpy lol. The road ahead of me... part 2 in works. Update: This day 2 of hopefully fixing our marriage. On Friday night after watchin Takers with Tara && Ally, we sat on the porch and had a talk. We needed to have. I tried to talk to him on thursday night via text and it went to shit. And the only reason why it was so important that he talk to me about this is because after everything he goes on to his usual normal topics, i'm not sure if he's completely oblivious to my depression but I can be sad, feelin lonely and on the verge of cryin and we just jump into normal before when we were happy conversation and it irritates me I don't even wanna talk to him, because it's like serious we can talk about anything EXCEPT for what I wanna talk bout. Literally, all I said was that if we were really gonna fix things and get past the past we needed to. He agreed but then said that he had nothing to say about the issue he just wants it to be over with. And, that there threw me. Again, and I told him never mined we didn't have to. He suggested that we should IF there were still things on my mind. OF COURSE there were, BUT to me he REALLY just did not care. So I told him the truth I feel like I can't talk to you (bout the situation that we were obviously in because of his choices.). He then asked if I feel that way cause he has nothin to say and I said no if you feel there's no point then there's no point it's pointless. I told him I get it now you REALLY don't care about how I feel you REALLY don't care what I think I get NOTHING from you and I REALLY have to GET OVER IT. I feel that somehow the "problems" are always put back on me no matter what they are I'm always the one that's sorry. He says he doesn't say what he feels because I don't believe him anyways. I just wasn't sure what to say anymore, He say's that's how he feels, he has no idea how I feel what it's like to be in my shoes at this moment. And, this situation has left me feelin, depressed, sad stupid and lonely. Not to mention the physical insecurities I'm dealin with. He calls me cutie or sexy and I wanna cry he say's he loves me so much and I just don't feel it. So I tell him the one thing that makes sense, because I honestly feel that somewhere down our road we lost it, and although we want it back so desperately it's not somethin that we can just fall into we well I can't just pretend that this didn't happen. (If my feelings make no sense now they will soon, I'm jumpin from topic to topic. Tryin to keep you posted and updated.) "You know, were not gonna work, we both feel that we cant talk to each other so there's no point." I honestly felt we lost "IT". And then the cold, heartless response, it was a horrible time why can't we just leave it in the past? It seems like all you wanna do is fight. Then, I didn't wanna talk to him. I didn't just wanna fight we've been together 10 years with no fighting why would I wanna start now?? I just wanted him to hear me out, I know answers were outta the question, but maybe if he acknowledged why I feel the way I do, or admitted that he was wrong. But instead he makes me feel like a insane person, who has lost there mind for no reason. I seriously felt like he believed that there was no reason to be sorry cause he did nothin wrong. His defense always is did I lead her on, flirt with her, compliment her?? and I feel like no, you didn't (not that I know of). But you sure did sit there texting her while sitten in bed with me, reading how bad she wanted you and your dick. So again were in the ugly circle.