... steps

So I've been in a funk lately and making all the wrong decisions about whats right and all the right decisions about keepin what's wrong wrong. It's come to the point where before I thought Jesse and I just weren't on the same page but now I'm not even sure that were in the same book. What to do??? Just walk away from 10 years? Like it was nothing. But in all seriousness how to you get it back? I've done some thinking and have realized that the mental part of me is over it, I've tried all I've tried, cried all I could cry. Talked all I could talk. I'll admit that I might have not said the right things or suggested the best suggestion. But at the end of the day all the tears, come from me. All the talking the arguing the letting go the forgiving forgetting all of it has been through me. The funny thing is last night I told Jesse that, and that I didn't feel like tryin. I'm just mentally done, his reply. How by talkin to Liz? By sayin nevermined cause I don't understand. I wanted to remind him, had he been the man that I fell in love with then Liz woulda never been a factor at all. I say nevermined because I give him a 100% always no matter what the topic. And when it's my turn to take the stage, he's lost doesn't understand. And I wanna scream!!!! Had we been talking about anythin else (he knows what I mean). He'd be a 100% into it. Maybe it's my fault. I'm too trusting and wanted to believe in him a 100% stuck by him through everything issues with his kids, his "hobby" his family my family. And the one time I need him... I get less. And I can force myself to be ok with it. But what good will that do??? Then instead of trying to talk to me he had to charge his phone. I had to text to see if his phone was done charging, and when it was i again got nothin.