the road ahead of me.... Part 1

I'm not exactly sure where it will lead, and who if anyone will be there when I get to the end of it. As of today, it's a cold dark murky and lonely road. A little less then a month ago. I was sitten at home oblivious to my surroundings. I guess when your in your perfect happy little bubble it's not easy to see the madness ahead. And I guess maybe that's what hurts the most I didn't ever see this coming. I know that she isn't worth our relationship. But Jesse's actions, were omg. He had originally told me to check this chick out when she friend requested him. I was like ehhh whatever lol. She had raunchy pic's in her pro of her in her bra. And one of her d.s lips (dick sucking). Serious that's what it says. So anyways bout a week later he text me while I was at work and was like hey that chicks crazy. She had sent him a message sayin "hey baby can you score me some meth? I'll make it worth your while." He said that he might delete her. So I didn't think nothin of it. A week later though I noticed she was still on his page, I asked him if he had heard back from her and he said No! Again I trusted him. So like two nights later we were watchin a friends kid. I was layin on our bed facing the comp and he was i'ming his daughter then somethin caught my eye, I noticed his inbox in the background and there was her face 4 or 5 times they had been messaging. I freaked out but didn't say anything. That night he turned the comp off and was super glued to his phone. Texting. I got the most gut wrenching feeling. The next morning when he was cooking breakfast I went through his phone and sure enough he was texting her. That night I decided to try to hack his myspace I didn't have the password but I did to his yahoo. I tried but seriously couldn't it wasn't me I'm not that person and when I tried I ended up barfing my brains out. And didn't go through with it. The next morning he was grocery shopping I text him, I was so weak. I had told myself that I would be strong and let him continue it see where it goes but my heart literally broke every time his phone went off. So I told him, I almost hacked your myspace twice, he asked why and I told him. You know why, he say's I want you to tell me and I said but you know. Then he says Why? We've been through this before. I didn't understand what he meant so when I replied huh? He says that we've both have had people say "inappropriate" things that we were friends with and I asked him "you text them all?" See what he doesn't know is that I had read some of there texts, and she was callin him, babe, love, hun. Talking bout watching girl on girl porn, she told him that she can suck dick like a porn star. He said You want me to stop I will, I told him NO! But I did want him to stop but I thought that he knew he was wrong, I wanted him to stop on his own cause it wasn't right. But his phone kept goin off. And every time it did my heart broke. I knew it was her and I didn't know what was being said. I couldn't eat or sleep all I seriously wanted to do was cry. That night, I went to work mad. And he didn't text tell almost 9. He asks "so you don't trust me anymore?", I asked him "do you seriously think that what your doin isn't wrong?". He asked "what??" I was so mad. I text him and told him "I can't believe your just gonna act like that", "act like what?" He asks. I tell him "never mined if your gonna talk to me like I'm stupid then don't talk to me." He completely broke my heart he then says that he isn't gonna live like this, so I need to decide where our future was going. He wouldn't even admit that he had done nothin wrong, but he was willing to give me up. I told him "for someone so FUCKEN innocent your not gonna put up much of a fight for your family." He then says "well what do you want me to do?" I ask "do you honestly think that your texting with her is appropriate?" He says "maybe some of hers weren't but every time she'd say somethin inappropriate I would tell her, I'm married". I let him have it, I told him "well maybe those were the texts I didn't read!" He was so shocked "you read my texts?" Yea I did I told him then he says "where do we go from here?". "I told him what do you mean? You did nothing wrong REMEMBER?" And that was the only apology I got, "I'm sorry I made a mistake but I didn't encourage it." Omg I was furious up until I admitted that I read his texts he was just gonna play it off, Like I was just some jealous wife. He wasn't gonna admit to anything. Then he says I'll delete my myspace and change my number if that will ease your mind. I told him "no your not doin it for me, your doin it for you. What all of a sudden you and the meth whore have nothin in common.??". And we didn't talk. I told him that I wanted to see the messages on his myspace and until he changed his number I wanted to see every text that she sent him. He didn't let me read his messages until almost a week later. But that night he told her that he couldn't talk to her no more. He thought that he was rid of her. I knew that he wasn't. The thing I didn't understand is how do you go from "hey baby can you score me meth, I'll make it worth your while to I'ma delete her, to texting her!!". The next day while we were at lunch was her 1st text sayin "hey thanks for introducing me to art we really hit it off." He showed me and said well that's good, But I told Jesse she's lying she wants your attention. I read some of the texts between them and she in NO way was interested in any of his friends. He didn't believe me sure enough around a hour later "if you don't want nothin to do with me just tell me instead of just ignoring me." He showed me and I told him you can text her and tell her but it wont stop. So he did he said "We cant talk no more" she says "why cant we be friends?" He says "I'm sorry but I told you I was married our conversations would take inappropriate turns and I see that you cant be my friend." He didn't hear back from her until later when she tells him "Our conversations were not inappropriate were both adults and both shared very personal information, I'm sorry that your "insecurities" don't allow you female friendship." I asked what she meant, but he of course doesn't know. The next morning he went and changed his phone number but he still hadn't deleted his myspace and I knew that she would be tryin to reach him. Knowing that I went into psycho over drive I was obsessed with the situation around us and 24/7 I was watching her page, and his page and her page and back and forth and the obsession was literally eatin me. And then, he decided to delete, I read his messages like he said I could and some threw me, in a bigger darker hole then what I was in. There was one message where she sayin that she'd make it worth his while without the drug's in that one message he says "Hey I aint tryin to sound like an asshole but I'm married and I don't cheat on my wife." Which made me feel good but the other three, yikes! He had deleted some messages not cause he knew I was gonna check them, before hand and they were in his trash folder so I went on to read them too. There's one where he asks what she's up to and her reply is "suckin on a big stick." His reply, "your crazy girl". Now, we all know that she has said that to get a "rise" out of him... and his answer kinda suggests that she did. He says no though. Then the original "Hey baby can you score me some meth?, I'll make it worth your while." was followed by an answer that noone that "knows" him would believe. "No, I might be able to get you some bud though." WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??? Man, I asked him bout it his answer is "I didn't want anything from her, I don't know why I said that". Well, as MUCH as I'd like to believe him I have some trouble doin so. The thing that hurts the most, Is you think you know someone then you realize that MAYBE you don't. I tried explaining to him, because he knows that I struggle with my looks. He's a very handsome guy and when were out in public I see the girls with there "WHAT IS HE DOIN WITH THAT LOOK?". I know that guys that LOOK like HIM, DONT give GIRLS that LOOK like ME a 2nd glance. I have always felt this way and now THIS. It's like he TOOK my low self esteem and ran it through the gutter. Then the 3rd shocker, on one of the messages he gives her his cell number 1st. She doesn't catch it, I don't understand how in the hell does it get to that? And he, knew what he was doin was wrong, she had already let him know that she would do him regardless of his marriage and he's giving her his number, and offering to get her bud. And when, I ask about it all I get is : IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK. He has no idea what I think and where my mind is now. So he deletes his myspace. And I tell him, she will contact me next. He doesn't believe me. Two days had past and were tryin to work things out. But I can't let it go it makes NO sense to me. And all I get is it was a MISTAKE. And my eating was getting harder to hold anythin down, and my sleeping was almost non existence. And obsessively I would check her page, and find little hidden messages, like one status was "doin your man". And Jesse, would be at work and I would tell him what it said. And he would tell me stay off of it. It's not for you. Why are you gonna let her get to you? But I couldn't stop. Then what night it happened she friend requested me, I told Jesse and he couldn't believe it. I ignored her, and she messaged me twice, both times sayin that I look familiar, and what school she went to. I finally wrote back, I knew then that wasn't a good idea. But this BITCH was obsessed with my husband and I needed to know why. I simply put "nope you don't look familiar to me" what I wanted to say: "Why didn't I look familiar when you were tryin to suck my husbands dick?". But I decided to play stupid like her. A couple days had passed and I was still finding it hard to "LET GO". When I received yet another message from her. Jesse and I had been fighting. And hiding. I don't share our problems with my family, or kids it's not there problem. And so I was going through this all ALONE literally. And it's hard when the one person that can make it better is the one that caused the pain. And the one person that you can talk to, you just cant anymore. Her message was like "you sure you look really familiar?". I reply "let's stop playin stupid we both know how we know each other". After that, she replied, "if you knew that we knew each other why didn't you say so??". I ignored her yet again. And while all this goin on Jesse and I are fighting, so much that it was just all bad. My head was killen me and my thoughts were too. When I finally heard back from her, the playin dumb game was over she had lost her patience. Lol. So her reply was .... "well your husband sure does and you damn well know that." That night things between me and Jesse got really bad, why? because she uploaded a picture of him to her myspace profile. I was FUCKEN pissed. He was too but that didn't matter not to me. I felt that he deserved it, In all honesty she made him look stupid and given his actions he deserved it. And again like white on rice I stayed steady watchin her page, I started deleting my myspace, a decision Jesse and I reached together, I didn't want to I wasn't used to facebook yet and alot of old friends were in my myspace, but I knew in my heart it had to be done.