days like today...

Today went like any other day might, got kids up and off to school. Laid down with Jesse for a bit baby sat Bre. Kids came, home. A normal day like this would be fine, but for some reason I felt ubber annoyed. And I feel bad because a lot of the times I take my mood out on Jesse. Now more then ever. And I find myself annoyed and irritated especially with him. It's horrible, I know. I feel stuck in a rut. If a month ago you asked, if I saw Jesse and I together forever I woulda said YES no 2nd thoughts to it. But lately, I might not be so sure. I know that we LOVE each other and wanna be TOGETHER. But, is that enough? I'm not so sure anymore. I can feel that with each day that goes by we have less to say to each other and even less in common. I don't wanna give up, it's just the way I feel. I wanna get it back. So after 3 hours of not speaking to each other I go lay with him in bed before he has to leave. I feel so guilty, and I know that he's trying and I'm trying too. So I make myself pretend that I don't feel the way I do. I see him off to work and he leaves with a kiss and I love you. He texts he misses me and I reply that I miss him too. I find the text irritating but I do miss him. It's just lately we've been reassuring each other and maybe ourselves too that were in love and fine. Then I log on to my sisters myspace. Yes I still have access to one, and I still tend to check that bitches page for many reasons but one more important than the other. And that is because she has a picture of my husband on her page. And I'll admit that with this "incident" that's the word we use to describe it. I'm a complete psycho if Jesse still had the myspace addy that she had it would be worse. But I am constantly fighting the urge to check his phone, his email and his facebook. But each day I do. It's hard but I do. So on my sis page Jesse had this other myspace page that he erased everything and everyone from a long ass time ago. Like at least a year or two ago. And today I decide to click on it and guess what he logged on yesterday. I asked him bout it, and he said it was to read some old flirty emails I had sent him. Do I believe him? Maybe, Maybe not. But knowing what we just went through if that was REALLY the case. You think he mighta told me? Just so I wouldn't react the way I did?!?! But no he didn't. And why cause I honestly think HE JUST DOES NOT give a damn. He jokes: "who's checkin up on me? lol" I don't answer. Then I'm sure he got the hint cause he sends me, the user id and password. Guilty Conscience? Maybe Innocent Act? Maybe. But I'm not gonna check. Even if I find nothing. Will I believe it? Maybe not? So there's no point. I told him, I don't want that. And he replies OK. So here goes another long night for me.

And day's like today, are what set me back.