...in 3 days

Well I've been super busy doin what I don't know lol. I'm not really sure. Been working, and school and kids. Lol you know all the normal stuff that I would do any other day. At work we are preparing ourselves for the next couple of months. So we've been kinda busy there. At home, it has it's moments sometimes it's nice and quiet and some times it's chaotic.
Jesse and I, well I'm not sure what I can say about us anymore. We have are moments or I have my moments. There's good days and bad days. The bad days have been out weighing the good days alot lately. I'm kinda tempted to have someone hit me on the back of my head and knock me back a few months ago. But if that were possible, when the moment that changed my world approached what would I do? How would I handle it? It would still happen because they were his choices not mine. So in the end maybe that bump in the head would do me no good. It hurts and I love him and I'm mad and I don't know what I want anymore. Then there are other obstacles that approach us like the other day with the girls mom. (That's another blog in itself.) I felt like he doesn't protect me or have my back. When you love someone your not supposed to let anyone hurt them, but then to do it yourself..... I feel like a fucken loser. Who holds on like a coward and for what I hurt for him, and he does nothin. It's not gonna change, I know this. And yet I hold on.
Anyways on Wednesday it will be our 9th year wedding anniversary yay! Right? Maybe, and were supposed to be planning a party for our 10th year surprise vow renewal. If we make it. Were hanging by a thread now. And we have absolutely NOTHIN planned I'm even workin the actual day. So is he. Am I surprised no not really we normally can't afford to do anythin anyways with just payin rent and Christmas around the coroner. But I guess a romantics heart would like to think that maybe because of what we've been through maybe there is a little somethin planned or a small gift to remind me that he loves me. But there isn't it will be just another day. And another day that I will hide how I feel and smile for everyone to make there day. Cause that's just me.
It's actually funny the other day he told me that he wanted to marry me again, and I asked him yea? And he said yea and how he'd like to marry me infront of more people this time I just let him talk. Then he says you have to think about it? I said think bout what? Marrying me? he say's. And I joke, well to him it will probably be a joke but I told him you didn't ask me. His reply Oh Ok. Now, maybe in my heart I'd like for him to propose this time, He didn't the 1st time. Neither did I it was more like hey you know what we should do? Yea let's do it. But, with as much as I feel that I don't know him anymore. I know him when I say this, it wont even cross his mind. And me suggest it? No, it should be somethin that in his heart he feels like doin.