Facebook

So lately Marlene has been playin the games on my facebook. But it tends to get a little crowded. Im's pop up statuses are updated and she freaks out when they interrupt her lol. So, she asked if she could have a facebook. Haha I told her you better ask your daddy. So she did and he was curious as to why she would want one so he asks her. Who do you know that has a facebook. And she bein the little genius that she is replies. You, Mom my sisters, my Auntie Poochie. Lol, so daddy agreed and I set it up for her we WILL of course be monitoring all that goes on. But she doesn't mind that she's super excited about it. Haha kid's these days, society is seriously creating little monsters. I don't mind I think it's cute that they can make up there mind about fashion, music and etc... But I hope that I can control it. I think that as long as Jesse and I meet her half way on things we'll be fine. I hope. I know that my mom made it hard for me, I don't blame her for the material aspect of it. But as far as dating, and hanging out and make-up. I'm hoping that I'll be able to utilize them with Marlene establishing a healthy mother daughter relationship. Plus I know what it's like to hide stuff, and get caught. I don't want that. I guess only time will tell.

Sweetness

Ok, so this blog is a little funny. So via facebook, I had posted a status that said "fresh crab meat salad and beer, I'm ready!" and a friend from work a young guy. Commented "Wow sweetness i love crab salad."
I seriously paid it no mind, then the next morning as I lay in Jesse's arms. And were talkin. Then he say's "I love you sweetness". Lol, I didn't get it I was like what, where'd you get that from? Then he say's haven't you been on your facebook. Lol then it hit me, he took it as "Wow, Sweetness,..... i love crab salad" Like he was callin me sweetness. I tell him Omg, lol your way silly he meant like "wow sweetness" an expression. He eventually seen it my way but it was kinda cute. He got a lil jealous he almost NEVER does that.

church

I'm gettin ready for church right now. And am pretty excited about going. It sometimes help. I mean it always helps but lately when you leave there it definitely feels like your takin somethin with you from it. And I really need it. The message that the pastor delivers is always eye opening and definitely. Somethin that you can relate too, Right now I can slowly feel my marriage slipping through the cracks and sometimes I'm in denial about it and fight what I feel and sometimes I feel it as strong as ever and it makes me weak. And I shut out the one person that I need to get me through. It's funny how the karma in that works, the one person that can make me is the same one that can break me. God I'm lame. I've never been alone and wouldn't know how to go about it. And at the same time really don't wanna either. I just think that I'ma little to dependent of him and that's why I am like this. Either way I need to figure this mess out and sadly that's with out his help not cause I don't want it. But because he doesn't see the "situation" in the same light as I do, which makes it hard cause little does he know that he might hold the key to end this all.

D'land

Lol, I was a little hesitant to start this. I had a long night an even longer day and I'm beat lol. My feet hurt. But we had a blast it was nice. It started like any other family event. We were of course running late yellin at the kids and each other. Lol. You might know how it is?!?! But were half way out the door "hey did someone grab this?".. "where's the baby?" .. "Did we unplug everything?". Lol. All the normal hectic stuff. We got there hit a lot of rides, had lunch together. The best part other then us being together as a family and building memories for our children, were the turkey legs lol that's right the turkey legs. Since our last 2 trips we've seen people walkin buy with this huge ass drumstick lookin thing and it looks yummy. And this trip was it we vowed that we were gonna have one. After lunch we sat there and talked about this turkey leg, and all agreed that it would probably cost about $15 bucks a price we were all willing to pay. So after hunting them down literally we found them. Jesse and I shared one with Antalina. Alicia had her own && Michael and Christine shared there's. And all we paid were $8 dollars YAY!! Lol. Today was just an awesome day.

...bout that time

To get my blog on lol. Umm, ok so tomorrow were off to D'land. Again, and the kids are all ubber excited. 11 of us goin this time, lots of people, lots of kids and hopefully lots of fun. Can't wait. My brother and Christine are goin with us this time, and no chuck. But were takin my friend Antalina from work with us. So right now the house is crazy with kids and stuff. Come on MONDAY!!!
As for Jesse and I were ok, I think. Lately it's been good. But I still find myself frustrated and thinking or maybe over thinking a lot of things. I know that it isn't good for me it's just where I find myself at the moment. On sat, we were texting while I was at work. And I took notice at the fact that a lot of our responses were one worded. Yup, Cool, Ok, whatever lol etc. etc.... So I had text him and said that there was a new rule and that for now on we couldn't respond that way. No more one worded responses. I explained to him that I want us to be the way we were. And that I thought that would help strengthen our communication. So that lasted about a day, earlier today while texting he responded with jus one word, I called him on it. And his response was so did you. So I told him I only did cause you did, which he of course said no. So I let it go it's a petty thing to fight about so whatever. Then during another convo less then a hour later he responds "oh". So I tell him Oh is another one word response. He say's we gotta change that rule of yours. It upset me but whatever, he either one thinks we have a lot to talk bout or two doesn't care. I told him that it was to help strengthen our communications skills and lack there of. But OK. I give. He says "Nooo, never mined it's OK." Well after that I felt like I had even less to say. Our 9 years has been reduced to one worded comments and responses then fine, soon there wont be any communication at all.

...I give

I love him. That's it. The end. No matter how hurt mad or sad I am. I can't just walk away or watch him walk away. I knew the minute I met him that I loved him. And I knew the minute we married that I'm in it forever no matter what. And that's all there is. We've got a beautiful family. So I'ma do all I gotta do to pull us through. I know that in my heart were gonna make it.

Jesse

From the day that we met, He's always been someone who truly fights for the one's he loves. He's the least selfish man I know. I guess maybe that's what made me fall for him he is 8 years older then me but were just so good together that you wouldn't know it. When I look back I guess the thing that hurts most about all this is. Were comin up on our 9th wedding anniversary it's seriously like less then a month away. And in July was our 10th year together, I admit that we fell kinda quick and everything happened so fast. But it has NEVER felt wrong. Not one minute of it. And I would say that part of our marriage was gettin to know each other. And some say that were quite different. I'll admit that we kinda are, his family life is way different from mine, Lol in his family marriages last. My family, not so much lmao some of the cousins are lucky if they can pin point who the daddy is. They have huge family events were I swear there are close to a 100 people often, our family events growin up were my mom, me, my sis && booney. I'm way loud sarcastic and outspoken, he's somewhat timid but funny and more reserved but we've managed to make it work. I think that he tones me down and I brighten him up. (Just the way I see it.) But, now I barely know this man he's cold, and hard. This situation has left us both at way opposite sides of the tracks now. I know that many would agree I NEED TO GET OVER IT. He didn't cheat I know THAT!!! But it was his actions that hurt me. I am now some psycho that can't trust him, always thinks that he's hiding something I'm mush an insecure pile of mush. And he stands tall. Solid, firm and unbreakable maybe a little inconsiderate. Which isn't such a bad thing except for now I don't think even his mush of a wife can reach him and that hurts. I see him now and he has slowly taken that best friend that isn't gonna intrude position. You know the one that knows you belong to someone else but has always been there for you but wont say what you need to hear cause havin you in there life even if just as a friend is enough for them?? Yea that one. And I stay the mush that gets the it will be alright, he didn't mean to, nothing bad happened. I don't know this guy. He has been all I've ever known my everything, my reason for breathing, living and I feel expendable if I don't get my shit together. He doesn't wanna live like this neither do I but were not the same anymore.

against my better judgement...

So, we didn't speak all night until this morning but kept it brief. Like don't forget the kids lunch etc. etc.. I really didn't sleep much so after I ate I crawled into bed with him, I gave in and hugged him. It's so selfish of me. I was still upset but I know that if it's peace and sleep I need I find it in the arms of the same man that has made me feel this way in the 1st place. Then the urge hit. I decided to log on to his old myspace account. And, ................. his sent and trash are completely empty. Surprised, no not really his actions are that of a guilty man. Now, one might think that seein as how he hasn't used that account in a looooooooong time that maybe he deleted them. And I would maybe agree if I didn't know better. Amongst the fighting he had already given me the password, and I had already checked it bout a week after the "incident." So I know that the outbox and trash weren't empty. I had read some flirty emails. Then but they were one sided (kinda). But not much to bitch about seein as how I was goin through this other stuff. So, Now what to do??? He's sound asleep right now. I'm just so tired of the b.s. Do I tell him anything? I'll keep ya posted!

days like today...

Today went like any other day might, got kids up and off to school. Laid down with Jesse for a bit baby sat Bre. Kids came, home. A normal day like this would be fine, but for some reason I felt ubber annoyed. And I feel bad because a lot of the times I take my mood out on Jesse. Now more then ever. And I find myself annoyed and irritated especially with him. It's horrible, I know. I feel stuck in a rut. If a month ago you asked, if I saw Jesse and I together forever I woulda said YES no 2nd thoughts to it. But lately, I might not be so sure. I know that we LOVE each other and wanna be TOGETHER. But, is that enough? I'm not so sure anymore. I can feel that with each day that goes by we have less to say to each other and even less in common. I don't wanna give up, it's just the way I feel. I wanna get it back. So after 3 hours of not speaking to each other I go lay with him in bed before he has to leave. I feel so guilty, and I know that he's trying and I'm trying too. So I make myself pretend that I don't feel the way I do. I see him off to work and he leaves with a kiss and I love you. He texts he misses me and I reply that I miss him too. I find the text irritating but I do miss him. It's just lately we've been reassuring each other and maybe ourselves too that were in love and fine. Then I log on to my sisters myspace. Yes I still have access to one, and I still tend to check that bitches page for many reasons but one more important than the other. And that is because she has a picture of my husband on her page. And I'll admit that with this "incident" that's the word we use to describe it. I'm a complete psycho if Jesse still had the myspace addy that she had it would be worse. But I am constantly fighting the urge to check his phone, his email and his facebook. But each day I do. It's hard but I do. So on my sis page Jesse had this other myspace page that he erased everything and everyone from a long ass time ago. Like at least a year or two ago. And today I decide to click on it and guess what he logged on yesterday. I asked him bout it, and he said it was to read some old flirty emails I had sent him. Do I believe him? Maybe, Maybe not. But knowing what we just went through if that was REALLY the case. You think he mighta told me? Just so I wouldn't react the way I did?!?! But no he didn't. And why cause I honestly think HE JUST DOES NOT give a damn. He jokes: "who's checkin up on me? lol" I don't answer. Then I'm sure he got the hint cause he sends me, the user id and password. Guilty Conscience? Maybe Innocent Act? Maybe. But I'm not gonna check. Even if I find nothing. Will I believe it? Maybe not? So there's no point. I told him, I don't want that. And he replies OK. So here goes another long night for me.

And day's like today, are what set me back.

See it

Haven't seen it? Do it! Great movie Hot actors. And, I'll give it up Chris Brown acts his ass off in this movie. He of course had too. For now on, everything he does has to be good. Or he'll always be remembered for his one bad thing.

Sorry...

Hope that the blog posts aren't to jumpy lol. The road ahead of me... part 2 in works. Update: This day 2 of hopefully fixing our marriage. On Friday night after watchin Takers with Tara && Ally, we sat on the porch and had a talk. We needed to have. I tried to talk to him on thursday night via text and it went to shit. And the only reason why it was so important that he talk to me about this is because after everything he goes on to his usual normal topics, i'm not sure if he's completely oblivious to my depression but I can be sad, feelin lonely and on the verge of cryin and we just jump into normal before when we were happy conversation and it irritates me I don't even wanna talk to him, because it's like serious we can talk about anything EXCEPT for what I wanna talk bout. Literally, all I said was that if we were really gonna fix things and get past the past we needed to. He agreed but then said that he had nothing to say about the issue he just wants it to be over with. And, that there threw me. Again, and I told him never mined we didn't have to. He suggested that we should IF there were still things on my mind. OF COURSE there were, BUT to me he REALLY just did not care. So I told him the truth I feel like I can't talk to you (bout the situation that we were obviously in because of his choices.). He then asked if I feel that way cause he has nothin to say and I said no if you feel there's no point then there's no point it's pointless. I told him I get it now you REALLY don't care about how I feel you REALLY don't care what I think I get NOTHING from you and I REALLY have to GET OVER IT. I feel that somehow the "problems" are always put back on me no matter what they are I'm always the one that's sorry. He says he doesn't say what he feels because I don't believe him anyways. I just wasn't sure what to say anymore, He say's that's how he feels, he has no idea how I feel what it's like to be in my shoes at this moment. And, this situation has left me feelin, depressed, sad stupid and lonely. Not to mention the physical insecurities I'm dealin with. He calls me cutie or sexy and I wanna cry he say's he loves me so much and I just don't feel it. So I tell him the one thing that makes sense, because I honestly feel that somewhere down our road we lost it, and although we want it back so desperately it's not somethin that we can just fall into we well I can't just pretend that this didn't happen. (If my feelings make no sense now they will soon, I'm jumpin from topic to topic. Tryin to keep you posted and updated.) "You know, were not gonna work, we both feel that we cant talk to each other so there's no point." I honestly felt we lost "IT". And then the cold, heartless response, it was a horrible time why can't we just leave it in the past? It seems like all you wanna do is fight. Then, I didn't wanna talk to him. I didn't just wanna fight we've been together 10 years with no fighting why would I wanna start now?? I just wanted him to hear me out, I know answers were outta the question, but maybe if he acknowledged why I feel the way I do, or admitted that he was wrong. But instead he makes me feel like a insane person, who has lost there mind for no reason. I seriously felt like he believed that there was no reason to be sorry cause he did nothin wrong. His defense always is did I lead her on, flirt with her, compliment her?? and I feel like no, you didn't (not that I know of). But you sure did sit there texting her while sitten in bed with me, reading how bad she wanted you and your dick. So again were in the ugly circle.

the D word

Ok, so. After yet another very emotional and heart breaking fight. That Jesse and I had, I started to try to make amends. It's funny I'm always the one that throws in the towel. And, I realize that maybe is the reason why this last month is so hard to let go. It's because I make a point state my point, get ignored and told to just "get over it!" I swear I have never hated a comment as much as I hate that one. But at the end of the day, I try to just "get over it!" Because it really might not be worth the fight, losing my family, my marriage. Or so that's the way I see it I realize that it has gotten a little crazy, and the other night Jesse talked to me in a way that in 10 years he has never done, when that happened I reacted in a very emotional and angered way I couldn't believe it. Long story short, yesterday after 2 days of no sleep and a day of nothin to eat I give in and text him. Now, all I really wanted to know is if I was understanding the situation that we are currently in is right. And my understanding of it is: If I can't just "GET OVER IT", we aren't gonna work. We tried to talk but it's always just the same, vicious dirty circle. And it gets us nowhere, I seriously wish that someone would delete this last month from my head because that's what he wants. But with every question there is no answer, and with that comes another question, so what I want is understanding, that I wont ever get, he wont ever give. And that is where my choices come in limited. I 1 get over it or I 2 lose it. That's it! After 10 years that's ALL I get. And, that's where the problems come in, I have to settle. I'll live a paranoid jealous, insecure freak forever... and keep my family. Or, I lose my family and my mind is free. The choice is mine, and I love them all enough. Jesse included that my sanity might be the price I'm willing to pay to keep it together. And then there are moments like this morning. Yet another set back. Like I was sayin, I was ready to make amends. I would like to say we were talking, but I was talking. And I get the same Zombie'ish answers I always get, a nod, a i know. A, what is it you want? look. And like always no understanding and no answers. Then I proceed to say that a friend of mine and I were talking and she had asked me if "DIVORCE" was somethin that had gotten thrown out in the fights. I tell him, that I told her no, that it hadn't even crossed my mind. And then, I looked at him and asked did it cross yours??? anddddddd. He nod's Yes! and for the zillionth time I again take a dagger to my heart. He said that the reason why was because when I told him, to do whatever he wants. That he took it as I meant, with anything everything himself life. Just do whatever you want. But of course, it wasn't that way at all not that he would understand. Cause he doesn't try to. In his eye's I'm mad cause I wanna be, nothin happened "JUST GET OVER IT!!!!!". I do this to myself, I hurt myself. He did NOTHING to cost his TRUST && NOTHING that would justify the way I feel the way I hurt and what I fear. And, I have to just let it go. It's funny though with all he didn't do, the thought of divorce crossed his mind, HIS. What did I do????

the road ahead of me.... Part 1

I'm not exactly sure where it will lead, and who if anyone will be there when I get to the end of it. As of today, it's a cold dark murky and lonely road. A little less then a month ago. I was sitten at home oblivious to my surroundings. I guess when your in your perfect happy little bubble it's not easy to see the madness ahead. And I guess maybe that's what hurts the most I didn't ever see this coming. I know that she isn't worth our relationship. But Jesse's actions, were omg. He had originally told me to check this chick out when she friend requested him. I was like ehhh whatever lol. She had raunchy pic's in her pro of her in her bra. And one of her d.s lips (dick sucking). Serious that's what it says. So anyways bout a week later he text me while I was at work and was like hey that chicks crazy. She had sent him a message sayin "hey baby can you score me some meth? I'll make it worth your while." He said that he might delete her. So I didn't think nothin of it. A week later though I noticed she was still on his page, I asked him if he had heard back from her and he said No! Again I trusted him. So like two nights later we were watchin a friends kid. I was layin on our bed facing the comp and he was i'ming his daughter then somethin caught my eye, I noticed his inbox in the background and there was her face 4 or 5 times they had been messaging. I freaked out but didn't say anything. That night he turned the comp off and was super glued to his phone. Texting. I got the most gut wrenching feeling. The next morning when he was cooking breakfast I went through his phone and sure enough he was texting her. That night I decided to try to hack his myspace I didn't have the password but I did to his yahoo. I tried but seriously couldn't it wasn't me I'm not that person and when I tried I ended up barfing my brains out. And didn't go through with it. The next morning he was grocery shopping I text him, I was so weak. I had told myself that I would be strong and let him continue it see where it goes but my heart literally broke every time his phone went off. So I told him, I almost hacked your myspace twice, he asked why and I told him. You know why, he say's I want you to tell me and I said but you know. Then he says Why? We've been through this before. I didn't understand what he meant so when I replied huh? He says that we've both have had people say "inappropriate" things that we were friends with and I asked him "you text them all?" See what he doesn't know is that I had read some of there texts, and she was callin him, babe, love, hun. Talking bout watching girl on girl porn, she told him that she can suck dick like a porn star. He said You want me to stop I will, I told him NO! But I did want him to stop but I thought that he knew he was wrong, I wanted him to stop on his own cause it wasn't right. But his phone kept goin off. And every time it did my heart broke. I knew it was her and I didn't know what was being said. I couldn't eat or sleep all I seriously wanted to do was cry. That night, I went to work mad. And he didn't text tell almost 9. He asks "so you don't trust me anymore?", I asked him "do you seriously think that what your doin isn't wrong?". He asked "what??" I was so mad. I text him and told him "I can't believe your just gonna act like that", "act like what?" He asks. I tell him "never mined if your gonna talk to me like I'm stupid then don't talk to me." He completely broke my heart he then says that he isn't gonna live like this, so I need to decide where our future was going. He wouldn't even admit that he had done nothin wrong, but he was willing to give me up. I told him "for someone so FUCKEN innocent your not gonna put up much of a fight for your family." He then says "well what do you want me to do?" I ask "do you honestly think that your texting with her is appropriate?" He says "maybe some of hers weren't but every time she'd say somethin inappropriate I would tell her, I'm married". I let him have it, I told him "well maybe those were the texts I didn't read!" He was so shocked "you read my texts?" Yea I did I told him then he says "where do we go from here?". "I told him what do you mean? You did nothing wrong REMEMBER?" And that was the only apology I got, "I'm sorry I made a mistake but I didn't encourage it." Omg I was furious up until I admitted that I read his texts he was just gonna play it off, Like I was just some jealous wife. He wasn't gonna admit to anything. Then he says I'll delete my myspace and change my number if that will ease your mind. I told him "no your not doin it for me, your doin it for you. What all of a sudden you and the meth whore have nothin in common.??". And we didn't talk. I told him that I wanted to see the messages on his myspace and until he changed his number I wanted to see every text that she sent him. He didn't let me read his messages until almost a week later. But that night he told her that he couldn't talk to her no more. He thought that he was rid of her. I knew that he wasn't. The thing I didn't understand is how do you go from "hey baby can you score me meth, I'll make it worth your while to I'ma delete her, to texting her!!". The next day while we were at lunch was her 1st text sayin "hey thanks for introducing me to art we really hit it off." He showed me and said well that's good, But I told Jesse she's lying she wants your attention. I read some of the texts between them and she in NO way was interested in any of his friends. He didn't believe me sure enough around a hour later "if you don't want nothin to do with me just tell me instead of just ignoring me." He showed me and I told him you can text her and tell her but it wont stop. So he did he said "We cant talk no more" she says "why cant we be friends?" He says "I'm sorry but I told you I was married our conversations would take inappropriate turns and I see that you cant be my friend." He didn't hear back from her until later when she tells him "Our conversations were not inappropriate were both adults and both shared very personal information, I'm sorry that your "insecurities" don't allow you female friendship." I asked what she meant, but he of course doesn't know. The next morning he went and changed his phone number but he still hadn't deleted his myspace and I knew that she would be tryin to reach him. Knowing that I went into psycho over drive I was obsessed with the situation around us and 24/7 I was watching her page, and his page and her page and back and forth and the obsession was literally eatin me. And then, he decided to delete, I read his messages like he said I could and some threw me, in a bigger darker hole then what I was in. There was one message where she sayin that she'd make it worth his while without the drug's in that one message he says "Hey I aint tryin to sound like an asshole but I'm married and I don't cheat on my wife." Which made me feel good but the other three, yikes! He had deleted some messages not cause he knew I was gonna check them, before hand and they were in his trash folder so I went on to read them too. There's one where he asks what she's up to and her reply is "suckin on a big stick." His reply, "your crazy girl". Now, we all know that she has said that to get a "rise" out of him... and his answer kinda suggests that she did. He says no though. Then the original "Hey baby can you score me some meth?, I'll make it worth your while." was followed by an answer that noone that "knows" him would believe. "No, I might be able to get you some bud though." WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??? Man, I asked him bout it his answer is "I didn't want anything from her, I don't know why I said that". Well, as MUCH as I'd like to believe him I have some trouble doin so. The thing that hurts the most, Is you think you know someone then you realize that MAYBE you don't. I tried explaining to him, because he knows that I struggle with my looks. He's a very handsome guy and when were out in public I see the girls with there "WHAT IS HE DOIN WITH THAT LOOK?". I know that guys that LOOK like HIM, DONT give GIRLS that LOOK like ME a 2nd glance. I have always felt this way and now THIS. It's like he TOOK my low self esteem and ran it through the gutter. Then the 3rd shocker, on one of the messages he gives her his cell number 1st. She doesn't catch it, I don't understand how in the hell does it get to that? And he, knew what he was doin was wrong, she had already let him know that she would do him regardless of his marriage and he's giving her his number, and offering to get her bud. And when, I ask about it all I get is : IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK. He has no idea what I think and where my mind is now. So he deletes his myspace. And I tell him, she will contact me next. He doesn't believe me. Two days had past and were tryin to work things out. But I can't let it go it makes NO sense to me. And all I get is it was a MISTAKE. And my eating was getting harder to hold anythin down, and my sleeping was almost non existence. And obsessively I would check her page, and find little hidden messages, like one status was "doin your man". And Jesse, would be at work and I would tell him what it said. And he would tell me stay off of it. It's not for you. Why are you gonna let her get to you? But I couldn't stop. Then what night it happened she friend requested me, I told Jesse and he couldn't believe it. I ignored her, and she messaged me twice, both times sayin that I look familiar, and what school she went to. I finally wrote back, I knew then that wasn't a good idea. But this BITCH was obsessed with my husband and I needed to know why. I simply put "nope you don't look familiar to me" what I wanted to say: "Why didn't I look familiar when you were tryin to suck my husbands dick?". But I decided to play stupid like her. A couple days had passed and I was still finding it hard to "LET GO". When I received yet another message from her. Jesse and I had been fighting. And hiding. I don't share our problems with my family, or kids it's not there problem. And so I was going through this all ALONE literally. And it's hard when the one person that can make it better is the one that caused the pain. And the one person that you can talk to, you just cant anymore. Her message was like "you sure you look really familiar?". I reply "let's stop playin stupid we both know how we know each other". After that, she replied, "if you knew that we knew each other why didn't you say so??". I ignored her yet again. And while all this goin on Jesse and I are fighting, so much that it was just all bad. My head was killen me and my thoughts were too. When I finally heard back from her, the playin dumb game was over she had lost her patience. Lol. So her reply was .... "well your husband sure does and you damn well know that." That night things between me and Jesse got really bad, why? because she uploaded a picture of him to her myspace profile. I was FUCKEN pissed. He was too but that didn't matter not to me. I felt that he deserved it, In all honesty she made him look stupid and given his actions he deserved it. And again like white on rice I stayed steady watchin her page, I started deleting my myspace, a decision Jesse and I reached together, I didn't want to I wasn't used to facebook yet and alot of old friends were in my myspace, but I knew in my heart it had to be done.

Hello

Lol, it has been a little over three days since my last post. It's funny the way that things go. Before I reset my password, i was feigning to blog I needed to do it to share. But, lately I don't know. It's like honestly what am I afraid of. I've had time. It's just the next couple of topics are rough for me, and I know that I'm not REALLY sharing them with anyone. Although I kinda am, does that make sense? This past weekend, went pretty good. We had Michael's play at the home, then Sunday we ALL went to church then the beach. We all had a good time. Even Jesse and I seemed to be doin well. Then that night when I got home it all went bad. I just wanna be the Desi from early June. Now I'm SO Un-happy, depressed, angry and bitter, crazy and now even suffering from insomnia. Just Great! So, I'm workin up the nerve to blog, especiallywhile it's still fresh in my head. We will see. Here's some beach pics tho: