Paranormal Activity 2

Today Friday, Jesse has every Friday off I've been fortunate to get a few Fridays off with him. Today we had originally planned to meet his friend Amy. They have been good friends for 3 years now and have never actually physically met. So that's what was supposed to happen, but she had already said that if it rained today that she wouldn't be able to drive half way to meet us cause her windshield wipers weren't in great shape. So Jesse and I figured that we better have a back up plan. Which we really didn't. So when it was actually confirmed that his friend Amy couldn't make it then we just last minute decided dinner and a movie. We both had hometown buffet as our dinner choice so there was no compromise there. We'd been craving hometown buffet ever since he got a coupon for there breakfast, so I had originally suggested that's what we have for breakfast. Butttttt, apparently they only serve breakfast on the weekends. Lame. So we had dinner there and everything was yummy. I was not however impressed by there new "jetsons soda machine". At least that's what the high tech gizmo reminded me of. Lol, I felt the way my mom did when we introduced her to text messaging. Then the movie, earlier my sister Alicia had mentioned that Paranormal Activity came out today which I knew lol but I aint a scary movie type. I can watched scary movies but at home with Jesse, lol and his nicely goddly carved arms to bury my face in when the music intensifies lol. But, I suggested it anyways scary movies are so Jesse's thing. So when I mentioned to my mom that Jesse and I were gonna catch a movie she asked which one lol. I told her and she said I hope you shit your pants Lmao she's is tooooooo funny. But we made the 5:45 showing yayyyy us. Anyways the reasons why I don't like scary movies in a theater are because of the other idiots that are there watchin with us. Like during the movie tonight there was this one guy that would "Oooooh loooook ooooo" Lol you tell me would you really wanna look when someone is doin that??? I say Not. Then "Ooooo look at the windoooooooow ooooo" lol then a girl shrieks and, I. Jump lol or shriek too. I guess you might say I react on other people fear?? I'm not sure but yea not fun. So by the end of the movie which by the way I recommend unless of course your a chikity like myself lol then wait for the dvd release.

to come........

We've got:
* Bre's Burfday!! && my momma's too
* we got HALLOWEEN
* && whatever other trouble we can get into yay!! Keep ya posted.

step-kids

I didn't wanna take my blogs there, but I've been takin advantage of this say what I need to say stuff anyways so why not. Not that they know about it. And even if they did, the point of this is so I can be completely honest and not feel like I have to hide anything, with that being said I won't be sorry about it. I have plenty to blog about when it comes to that particular topic. But I'll just start with today. Sooooo, today on my way to work Jesse told me that his youngest had asked him if he could buy them there costume for halloween. She also said that if he couldn't that her mom said that she would. So, not cause we couldn't or he didn't want to but because he wasn't sure when he would actually get them, or go get them and it be to late and they not have the particular one that they wanted, he told her to let her mom go ahead and get them. That of course turned to shit, why because ALL of a sudden my/our kids [together] are loved more then they are. Ridiculous right? Oh, it gets better. The oldest one posts on her dad's facebook wall why cant you get our costumes? But you can get Marlene and Jesse there's. Come on this girl is 15 and taller then me, should she even be trick or treating?? Not that, that's the point. Then the younger one updates her status to "why tell me you love me, if it's a lie." SERIOUS?? Love comes at price???? What mother in her right mind would think it's ok to brainwash there kids like that. Yes there mother eggs it on. Then, Her mom of course has to comment her status by saying "thats all they know how to do" Ugggh!!! And I tell Jesse, well now no matter how bad they make you feel about it you cant buy them there costume's. Why?!?, Because if you do then there gonna pull this shit ALL the time. And it's not right. And, then by some miracle, yes I believe that this situation was touched by the hands of god himself [Yes, I'm being sarcastic]. Cause less then an hour later, "Thank you for my costume Mommy I Love You!!" it's a miracle I tell ya, a miracle. Just to make Jesse look bad. Come on an hour later?

...back to the bull

So, Saturday I had to work 9-5 longest shift of my life. Serious I hate 9-5's on a sat. There just no fun at all. So I go almost the whole shift and I'm sweating and congested and I know what's next. I tell myself that I'ma get a bottle of nyquil before I go home. But then we get hit by a bus. A bunch of tourists from Japan come in acting like they aint never seen a kmart before. The lines got crazy long and I swear I spent the last hour helpin bag the transaction, yes 1. One transaction that equal a whopping $1,700 and some change. And as I was doin that I got into it with a crack head lol literally she wanted to lend them her rewards card so that there transaction went to her I said NO! Which of course didn't make her happy. So come 5'o clock I clock out and run for the door lol no jokes. Sunday was my 4am shift and I dragged my ass up outta bed and went. And I was doin good up until my friend Jesse brought me some nyquil, the 1st thing I do is take the shot. And like the shot heard round the world, I was done for. I left early and remained bed ridden til wed evening. Highly medicated might I ad. But by Wednesday it was time to tuff it up and drag my caboose to work and I made it lol just barely.

... steps #2

So I figure there's the Mental, Physical && Emotional. I'm done with the Mental.

... steps

So I've been in a funk lately and making all the wrong decisions about whats right and all the right decisions about keepin what's wrong wrong. It's come to the point where before I thought Jesse and I just weren't on the same page but now I'm not even sure that were in the same book. What to do??? Just walk away from 10 years? Like it was nothing. But in all seriousness how to you get it back? I've done some thinking and have realized that the mental part of me is over it, I've tried all I've tried, cried all I could cry. Talked all I could talk. I'll admit that I might have not said the right things or suggested the best suggestion. But at the end of the day all the tears, come from me. All the talking the arguing the letting go the forgiving forgetting all of it has been through me. The funny thing is last night I told Jesse that, and that I didn't feel like tryin. I'm just mentally done, his reply. How by talkin to Liz? By sayin nevermined cause I don't understand. I wanted to remind him, had he been the man that I fell in love with then Liz woulda never been a factor at all. I say nevermined because I give him a 100% always no matter what the topic. And when it's my turn to take the stage, he's lost doesn't understand. And I wanna scream!!!! Had we been talking about anythin else (he knows what I mean). He'd be a 100% into it. Maybe it's my fault. I'm too trusting and wanted to believe in him a 100% stuck by him through everything issues with his kids, his "hobby" his family my family. And the one time I need him... I get less. And I can force myself to be ok with it. But what good will that do??? Then instead of trying to talk to me he had to charge his phone. I had to text to see if his phone was done charging, and when it was i again got nothin.

...kid's today...

So Christmas has been on the brain lately. Workin retail does that to you. So yesterday Marlene and I were talkin and she decided to write out a "Christmas Wish List". Which is Ok with me, as a momma I wanna do everything I can to make my kid's happy. Not in a spoil them kinda way. But I work a lot and between that them, baby sitten and jus life in general I spend a lot of time workin for what they need rather then what they want. I'm actually very fortunate cause my kid's even though I exaggerate there madness sometimes there actually really good kid's. And one thing I pride myself in is that they understand. And there just as happy with our simple little lives as I am. Jesse and I spend a lot of time with them. And when we have a little extra cash we like to have lunch with them and shop get them a small somethin somethin. So when Marlene handed me her list. It was short and, not what I expected from an 8yr old. Her list went like this: 1. New Shoes 2. Skinny Jeans / New Clothes 3. Lap top. Not Ubber important because we got a Comp. 4. Make-up / Polish && 5. an Ipod && or Mp3 Player. Shocking I know. I'm not really sure how to approach this situation lol. I've created a monster?? Possibly. I don't believe I have but I think that I've influenced her in the wrong direction. The last couple of years Jesse and I have gotten her baby dolls and barbies and all that good girlie stuff that when I think back I remember wanting that stuff as a kid. When I hit 12 I asked for a stereo and at 17 a pager. But I think those were age appropriate gifts?!?! Right? Now the Mp3 Player I'm ok with. When I went into parenting lol like it was a hobby... but anyways when I decided to have kids I told myself that I wanna be the "cool" mom with rules and boundaries. I want my kids to be able to express themselves in who they are and what they do. And I feel that if I go about this the right way I will be able to have a close relationship with my children and trust them, in there decisions right I mean lol isn't that the way it works? I know that I'm foolin myself adolescents are meant to make mistakes that's how we learn right? But at the same time, my mom didn't do to bad and the mistakes we made were at a better age then the ages that they normally happen at. Who knows? Lol, but in the same sense. I don't wanna push Marlene into growing up to fast. Hmmmmm, so now what??

been thinking.

Maybe I should blog everyday. But I would of course need time to do that. So I'll be back on later tonight with a real blog. But anyways the reason why I'm entertaining that idea is so that way my life doesn't seem all bad lol. Because we/I do have really good day entangled in all the bad one's. But would that be kinda annoying? Lol, I don't want to use my blog as "social network" it's mainly a place for me to ease my mind when somethin is really on it. I don't wanna be. worked today, took a nap, had a burrito lol kinda blog. What do ya think, maybe I could pull it off. Well I aint gonna commit to it just yet. It's still just a thought.

...in 3 days

Well I've been super busy doin what I don't know lol. I'm not really sure. Been working, and school and kids. Lol you know all the normal stuff that I would do any other day. At work we are preparing ourselves for the next couple of months. So we've been kinda busy there. At home, it has it's moments sometimes it's nice and quiet and some times it's chaotic.
Jesse and I, well I'm not sure what I can say about us anymore. We have are moments or I have my moments. There's good days and bad days. The bad days have been out weighing the good days alot lately. I'm kinda tempted to have someone hit me on the back of my head and knock me back a few months ago. But if that were possible, when the moment that changed my world approached what would I do? How would I handle it? It would still happen because they were his choices not mine. So in the end maybe that bump in the head would do me no good. It hurts and I love him and I'm mad and I don't know what I want anymore. Then there are other obstacles that approach us like the other day with the girls mom. (That's another blog in itself.) I felt like he doesn't protect me or have my back. When you love someone your not supposed to let anyone hurt them, but then to do it yourself..... I feel like a fucken loser. Who holds on like a coward and for what I hurt for him, and he does nothin. It's not gonna change, I know this. And yet I hold on.
Anyways on Wednesday it will be our 9th year wedding anniversary yay! Right? Maybe, and were supposed to be planning a party for our 10th year surprise vow renewal. If we make it. Were hanging by a thread now. And we have absolutely NOTHIN planned I'm even workin the actual day. So is he. Am I surprised no not really we normally can't afford to do anythin anyways with just payin rent and Christmas around the coroner. But I guess a romantics heart would like to think that maybe because of what we've been through maybe there is a little somethin planned or a small gift to remind me that he loves me. But there isn't it will be just another day. And another day that I will hide how I feel and smile for everyone to make there day. Cause that's just me.
It's actually funny the other day he told me that he wanted to marry me again, and I asked him yea? And he said yea and how he'd like to marry me infront of more people this time I just let him talk. Then he says you have to think about it? I said think bout what? Marrying me? he say's. And I joke, well to him it will probably be a joke but I told him you didn't ask me. His reply Oh Ok. Now, maybe in my heart I'd like for him to propose this time, He didn't the 1st time. Neither did I it was more like hey you know what we should do? Yea let's do it. But, with as much as I feel that I don't know him anymore. I know him when I say this, it wont even cross his mind. And me suggest it? No, it should be somethin that in his heart he feels like doin.