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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

goodbye to '08

Very interesting last 23 hours.....
Got one neice at 6 in the am.
The other at 8:30....
Felt like the Brady Bunch without the Brady...

My freaken kitchen sink....
wouldn't drain.
Did you know that your not supposed to plunge a sink??
Yeah, I didn't.
So I plunged away and my pipes burst so......
Swimming party in my kitchen.

My afternoon was spent adventurin it up with the children....
the batcave, guerilla mountain, a castle and a pirate adventure all rolled into one....
give or take a few jedi's...lol.
Then a very tearful goodbye.
My brother left to rehab today.

Then my ma' crashes at 10.
My hub is sick and in and out of it .......


So,
I'm bringing in the New Year's alone.......

Happy New Year's Everyone.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008


Booney
Brother.Son.Father.Drunk
Violent.Lost.Hurt.
Kind.Loving.Caring
&.&.&
Suicidal.Angered.Searching
Bad.Reckless.. Selfish
Lazy.Crazy.Sporty
Smart.Dumb.Artistic

Booney

Let's see Booney:
Born Michael in 1986...nick named Booney. Raised by our mother who worked her ass off and given allot of what he wanted. Got into trouble but was never abused his punishment was simply sit or lye get up to eat and use the restroom and then back to bed. Our father used to be our mother I'm the oldest I seen allot more and Michael is 4yrs. younger so the possibility of being traumad is slim... yeah trust me I know it's and awful gut wrenching thing to see your mother get beat. But like I said I'm the oldest I seen ALLOT more.
He would act out and even diagnosed at one point with a.d.d. He's always had an issue with his anger,... always. He used to hit my sister and I while my ma was at work. We were bigger but he would use things.... anything that he could get his hands on I remember one time he got a pencil and stabbed me in the eye. I was supposed to not see out of that eye but I recovered rather nicely all that remains from that is a scar in my eye and heart. There was this other time, while we were bbq'ing he grabbed a stick and stuck a hot coal on it and burnt the back of my sisters leg. We would never tell why? He was my brother so young and lost and full of anger and rage...... I don't know what we were thinking maybe we shoulda told. He'd drag us by our hair and my sister and I would just hold on to each other crying and begging for him to stop. One day it stopped it all stopped....... I thought that would be the last we ever saw that side of him. In one of his rages that would be brought up for anything sometimes as small as getting passed a level on his game. He got upset and chased me and our sister down and grabbing the closest weapon he could. (Golf club) He struck me in my back..... man that hurt ed. A few day later, while swimming you could see the indent that the club left on my back and he was brought to tears and asked me not to hate him...... And I told him hate you? Never.....
And I didn't I was so afraid of him becoming our father a man that my mom tried so hard to keep away.
Years would pass before I seen that anger in Booney's eyes. I'd say that he began drinking at the age 0f 16. He want old enough to buy it and none of us would provide it. He'd come home that way.... matter of fact there were allot of people, people that we had known for years that we stopped talkin too cause of Booney's problem. They ask if they could take him out bring him before to late... and we'd literally embarrass Booney and tell them not to give him a drink because he couldn't handle it. We would even tell his buddies if you take him and you let him drink....then you keep him bring him home when he's sober but No!
That's when the nightmares began....... It was the wee' hours of the morning and there's a loud like screech a car..... you here some arguing doors and small noises. And a thud,.... then the car speeds off.... I open the window to my room and there on the slab of cement leading to our front yard is Booney. I run,.... and he's bloody and I'm screaming and he's DRUNK and beaten up pretty badly. And right there in my angered arms he dies.
There were nights when he would sneak out or go out that his friends would pull up almost like the way they would in my dreams and I would get up scared thinkin that this was his night. Then there were nights that there was no sleep all to avoid the scenes that repeated in my dreams.... and get this only when he was out.. if he were there I'd sleep no problem.
The first time he busted our windows out was like whatever we intervened I shared with him the nightmares that had been recurring and we, we all thought that we had gotten through. Around a year later.... he came home drunk and I opened the big door and told him.... I'm not letting you in ..... you wana drink? Then drink but I want no part of this shit I don't get you drunk so don't come to my house.... go back to wherever you got drunk at. He grabbed the knob to the screen and began shaking it violently yellin let me in bitch....let me in. Then our porch we lived in a rock house so our porch was enclosed and he began settin of M'80's a little but loud firecracker sayin I'm a burn you out bitch.... I opened the big door once again and he went up to the screen and before I can even began to ask him to stop..... In all his rage he stopped and in a very angered but calm tone he said open the fucken door..... I cried. He turned to walk away and grabbed one of my lawn chairs and hurled it at the front door..... He started yellin.... " CALL THE COPS CALL THE COPS".
A neighbor had his wife while he came out to talk to Booney. He started lecturing him what are you doin man there ain't nothin but women and babies in there... irritated at this mans remarks he ran back towards the house and started workin his way around breakin a window one by one my two small children woke up scared just as he broke a window that woulda been over there heads..... this incident brought on the citizens arrest.
Ok,............. So you know bout Christmas and the incident before Christmas.
Let's go to last night.......... he's been well behaved since Christmas but I know him I can see through him and in a little spat he tells me "shut the fuck up" and I tell him.... I knew it I knew the real you was in there bout to come out. We stopped fighting and later that night around five'ish he left the our house and headed up to my sisters since that's where he's been stayin since everything. Cause he's leaving for rehab this Saturday. My sister and I can tell somethin is wrong with him... he's all bitched out!!!
Ahhhah! Then it comes out they cant take him Saturday so he'll have to leave Wednesday.........
and guess how his night went...... He got DRINK.... took my sisters CAR!! and got KICKED out!! and his excuse..... IT'S MY LAST NIGHT!

He don't want help!

Friday, December 26, 2008

Christmas

Christmas Eve was a little hard my brother showed up at the door drunk. Begging that I let him spend Christmas with us. Which I had every intention of letting him. I had'nt talked to him in a week since his last incident. So he was'nt sure so I tell him Yeah now go home and get some rest. He says that he cant go home and that he'll chill right there on the porch. I closed the door so torn. I wanted so BAD to let him in,..... but needed to be so strong and not let him in. Cause that's what he's used to. And it's not ok.... it's Not!
Then another knock at the door,.... it was him he was so drink it was like to him it was the first time at my door all over again....." mija pleaaasse let me see the kid's tomorrow. I tell him you can come over tomorrow but please leave, I need to be strong and I cant let you in...again he cant go home and he'll just sleep on my porch and it's freezing outside. I tell him please.... go sleep on there porch i cant have you here.....
After I close the door my 6 yr. old standing in front of me breaksdown in tears. For her being so young she already know's that her uncle has a drinking problem, and has seen first hand his craziness. I'm so ashamed that at her age she has seen so much. But I blame my brother for that. My daughter have never seen me or her father that way matter fact if you asked her she would say that her mom & dad never fight... why? Because what ever problem we have.....It's OUR problem and there is no reason to act a fool in front of her.
So he leaves..... which left me, my ma and the hub a little uneasy unsure what the rest of the night had in store for us.


Christmas Day,
went alot better he showed up early but.... sober. And we all hung out through out the day settin up playsets and picking up after the kid's. We finished the night... by all having a ham dinner and then us adults went out to watch "the spirit." All in all the day went good he even found out that he'll be leaving for three months or more depending on his success in a re-hab here's to hoping I know that he's gona miss his daughter but he needs this!
And he saw first hand the effect that he has on the kids. I didn't know but my daughter wrote her uncle a note, that she put in the mail box. When my ma and brother went to throw the trash for no reason at all my ma saw that there was sumthin in the mailbox and without opening it handed it over to my brother and said here it's for you!
When he opened it....: It read:
Dear Booney: When are you gonna start behaving?

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Before I go...........

Crazy......

My mom: Wants to see the best in him..... and still believes that he can get better.

My sister: I think she doesn't care,..... because he's only ruining his life?!?

&& I: I've given up on him! I think he's a loser and pathetic.......

Does that make me a bad person?

Reflection 1: I CANT SAVE HIM

My brother is a 21 yr. old boy, struggling with an alcohol problem. Who is suicidal and has anger management control issues. I love my brother but he has slowly but surely turned into a person that I dont know and maybe dont want to. I being the oldest has had the worst case of denial in his case. I've had nightmares of him being killed and it took me a really long time to realize that I CANT SAVE HIM! and some of you might not understand but that hurts. When we found out that he was gona be a dad we thought that since we weren't worth his change that maybe his daughter would bring that much needed change.
Let's go back..... he claims that not having a father around has been what his alcoholism is based on. He's had a drinking problem for some time now and seeing what he has put his family through has never been a good enough reason to change. He's busted 8 windows out to one our houses when we would'nt let him in upon realizing that he was drunk we kicked him out after that but once he realize that he had nowhere to go he apologized and stopped drinking for about a month. But man he cant fight that urge. We started finding empty beer bottles that he wouldnt even bother to hide or dispose of.
Somtime back in '05 I had to do the hardest thing ever. He came home drunk and started busting my windows that I had just replaced from his first incident scaring my two children a neighbor heard our cries and pleas and called the cops. When the cops came they had, me place him under citizens arrest which breaks my heart he's my brother. I did if I didn't he was gona stay. So I did everything I had to do to get him out of our house. He got really lucky matter fact because they lost his paper work and truth is I really didnt push them to find it either. But had they, he was gona be charged with reckless endangerment and somethin else about unintentional deadly force upon a child. Seeing as how the chards of glass just barely missed the heads of my children. He cried and apologized and I forgave him. And it stopped for a while then he started up agian.
And now in 2008 after he fought with my husband something that my mom and I tried so hard to prevent you see he would get drunk and talk shit and for the longest time I'd beg my husband to just ignore him he was drunk. And my husband for me would.... but this year he would do that no more my brother began talkin his crap callin my husband a pussy. Then tellin everyone how he "punked" him in his own house. He was convinced that one my hub would never go at him and two that he was afraid of him. A fact that shocked even the hell out of him. He came home drunk like always started talkin his crap to me and my mom and my hub told him you need to calm down or get out my brother got up and said or what? What are you gona do? I went on askin my hub to just ignore him. I think that my brother thought thats what he was gona do then WhhamM!! he rushed him, they fought and me and my ma pryed them apart.
This time was even worst than before because one they fought for nothin and two like three days before that he (my bro) was ordered on probation to serve for a warrant that he had obtained during another drunken incident. We live in a strict apt complex and again I had to call the cops pressing charges against him for vandalism.
Since then he has not stayed with us he continues to drink it's sad I dont think that my brother is necessarily afraid of my husband but i think that he knows that my husband isn't afraid of him.

But his recent incident has left us all hurt and very heart broken this last saturday,.... he was drunk and upon his arguing with his girlfriend his anger got the best of him and he put his hands on her. Wana know whats even sadder? In the middle of all his chaos his 2mo. old daughter began to cry and in his drunken rage....., he stopped. Went and made her a bottle and when he was told that they had called the cops. He put her bottle down and asked them to feed her. He left.

Now what breaks my heart is that he loves his daughter with all his heart but now he will be forced to get better to be around her. I had hoped that the thought of losing us would change him, but no..... and now he's at risk of losing the one thing that just might save his life....Breanna!

What his future has in store for him...? Only time will tell......

I have a feeling that things are bout to get alot worst before they get better.....

What no one know's is, .... he's quit his job and the friend that he's stayin with is gona ask him to leave this friday.

Reflecting


I was thinkin and dreading what the new year might have in store for me. 2008 carried alot of crazy times,... There's the constant sadness of losing my uncle that even though it has been 4yrs. now the fact that he's gone is hardly a fact at all. There's a loss of friends some that I maybe knew wouldn't last and some that should've lasted. And all that has made me realize somethin that I already knew. I'm not old but I'm mature..... TRUST ME I have my moments of immaturity but truth be when it comes to playin games I aint a gamer. And that's what gets to people the most. They hate when people dont stoop to there level. It's like giving them a taste of there own medicine. So with that I've realized that even though havin a night out side of the norm sounds like fun in the end the people that are there everday in the thick of it are the only one's that matter.
I got a new neice in 2008 Breanna and she's a doll. But sadley she was brought into a very unstable family. Luckily for her she has some people that will be able to provide a little bit of sanity in her life.



With that being said my next few blogs will reflect on moments of my 2008.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

A little help here................

I want a pretty blog page!!!!

HELP!! Please......

Hi... I'm new to this so here's a little about me... They call me Desi. I'm a fun loving 26 year old with limited means, I'ma mother of two wonderfully crazy children. And married to the greatest man ever. So most of my blogs might be in reference to them. I could have not a penny to my name and be the happiest person in the world. I work in retail, and right now is the craziest time of the year. I have a sister && a brother who is struggling with alcoholism. I have two niece's and one nephew. && one super crazy mother.
So that's me and my life... as of this sec. Summed up for ya'! Oh yeah and I'm the oldest child so.... the world is on my shoulders.