Movie Saturday

So as our last hoorah before Christmas we took the kids to see a movie, well kinda lol. The girls went to see Tangled which was SUPER cute I'd totally recommend it and can't wait to get it on dvd yayyy!!
The boys went to see Mega Mind and June liked it. Jesse said it coulda been a little funnier, I personally wouldn't know cause I didn't see it lol.

What a week.

So my thursday kinda sucked Jesse took the kids and spent the day at his mothers. I didn't like the idea and was gonna put up a fight but then, he asked well if they wanna go can they? So we let an 8 year old and a six year old decide how they wanted to spend there thanksgiving. And they decided to go with there daddy. Who I was still really upset with because I knew that was gonna happen I felt it. He was gonna play it off till the very last day that he still didn't know what he was gonna do and then come wednesday night what a surprise he wanted to go to momma's. I was freaken pissed. I knew it and he can deny it all I want were over it now, but when we argued about it he kept sayin he didn't know it wasn't planned, blah blah blah is all I heard I really don't believe that. And this was the 1st of 11 thanksgivings that we spent apart. And I was sad not just cause of that but my kids went too, I cried. Then too make things better he was supposed to head back at 3 and didn't so I went to work with out seein my babes :(. But he swears he tried. Then there was black friday OMG!!! people it really isn't that serious are store looked like SHIT!! And I worked til 3:30 am Uggh!

What's in a name.....?

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet"
- William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, 2.2
I thought of this famous Shakespearean quote when this topic came to mind. Jesse and I have been married almost 10 years now. And when we 1st got together, his ex. Has a son that was born in the middle of her two girls with Jesse, but he has a different father. It bothered me in the beginning and lookin back I'm sure that there was both an immature and mature reason behind it. When I had our son it bothered me a little more, my son will carry his father's name on to his children and maybe to a son who will someday do the same. And, so on and so on. Marlene however will not be-able to do that cause she will someday take one the name of another. So with that bein said that poor kid will pass on a name that isn't his for who knows how many centuries and even though that's his legal name, he has no ties to the family that carries it. I mean sure his sisters share the same last name but he doesn't come to this side of the families events. Jesse, will not be his kids grandfather. I truly believe that his mom is selfish and is completely oblivious to what she's done, and maybe she's not she is after all one diabolical woman. I'll admit that the immature side of me, is because he's not Jesse's kid. But even with that being acknowledged it doesn't debunk the fact that he'll be passin on a name that is not his. I know that it sucks that he's young and even when he's older he might not care at all. And he has that right. It had came up years ago, the name. And Jesse's ex told him that his dad's family paid to had it changed. But I think she said to test him. Cause today it hit me, the kids runnin around with that name still.

Well at the end of the day it's REALLY not my business, just my thought on the situation and like Shakespeare pointed out with a different name would he really be different??

What if?!?!?

What if you were told that you world as you know it was in your hands? I'd take it as a serious vital eye opening phrase. Wouldn't you? I mean would you just sit there and ignore the suggestion period? Or would you seriously start re-thinkin your actions and find out what was wrong and how to fix it before it's all TOO late. And you seriously lose it all? I know I would, wouldn't you? I'll tell you who wouldn't Jesse, that's right? Jesse. I sent him "our marriage is in your hands" almost an hour ago. And he hasn't replied or tried to talk or anything. I'm starting to think that he REALLY just doesn't give a flying fuck. Uggh, I gotta hold it together though. I'm ALWAYS the one who gives up and in, NOT this time!!

..Uggh

Just when things seem to be gettin better there's somethin that ALWAYS get's in our way and I am stuck asking myself. What now? Where do we go from here? Jesse, still hasn't opened up to me about stuff that might be botherin him, and my problem might be that I have no problem expressing when I am upset. His actions lately have been somewhat hurtful. And he's completely oblivious to the fact. And, I just shut down. Whats the point it's not gonna change I know this. It's funny less then a month ago, he was askin me or tellin me that my friend had text and he felt that it was in appropriate hours. I told him that I would change that and he said it doesn't bother him. Because were better then the couples that struggle with insecurities such as that, little does he know. Were slowly slidden into that "nature" of things. And those couples we would laugh at we're no longer above them. What the hell happened? Where did I go wrong? This summer has completely changed me, ruined my life. And now, I don't know how to shut it off I got so used to biting my tongue about things. And Now, I wont! Anywho he knows that I struggle with sleepin on sat. I always struggle with sleepin but saturdays are especially hard seein as how I work at 4 am sunday. And were in bed, I'm tossing and turning and his phone is goin off. And I think that it's funny, because shouldn't bed time be an inappropriate text time. And it only upset me because when he had brought it up the 1st time I had mentioned that his friend had text him at the same hours a few times. He said no, and even though I know that she had. I didn't argue it. It's whatever. But his phone keeps goin off aknowledging the fact that I'm restless. He asks if I need him to put me to sleep. Uggh, no I was still upset with him because his kids. (Whole other incident). So he gets out a bed and leaves and after about twenty min, i text him askin what he's doin. And he says textin *** I haven't talked to her in 2 weeks. And didn't wanna keep you up. Geee thanks cause that really helped me sleep. NOT! So he can text till 1 am, I can't. Like that's the point. Right now, I'm just super annoyed with him.

I'm so, EXCITED

I could scream lol. But I wont because it'll do no good you wont hear it. Normally Christmas shoppin isn't somethin I enjoy doin. And I almost ALWAYS never know what to get people. Sometimes even shoppin for my mom and sister are hard and I've known them all MY life. But this year I've been gettin all kindsa great ideas and I cant wait to see my families face when they receive them it's gonna be the best thing EVER. So due to some privacy issues lol I won't mention any of my ideas on here. But I will keep you posted and pics to come.

...Thanksgiving

I know it's too early for that, but apparently I'll be spending Thanksgiving alone. Or, well with my family. As of this moment Jesse and I are not talking. And he made plans to spend Thanksgiving with his mother and his other children which IS ok. But he went out of his way to mention that my family MIGHT do something. So that tells me that he's planning to spend it with out me. So that's the plan. I'm not even gonna try to change my plans and go out of the way to spend the day with him either!

...Oh the drama

Haha, yes things are always crazy and my life has been goin in this vicious cicrle for sometime now. I tried to "NOT care" but I guess in the end I'm just not that kinda person. Truth of it be told I can only do so much in my situation anyways so when it come's down to it if you (Jesse) like being treated like shit, then who am I to try to change it? Right? Yes it's the "step-children" again. And, I've had it. Plus Jesse not standin up for me or himself at this point is a little old and I'm tired of the shit. His youngest daughter from the previous relationship has been actin a fool lol in the literal sense postin her buis and all her brainwashed enrage all over facebook. Leavin ugly little status's that I would consider rather personal and immature and hurtful. And of course after every influenced post her mother has to coincidentally comment makin herself look like the mother of the f'n year. And it pisses me off I hate to see them hurt Jesse it's a big fucken game to them and were well aware of it. I thought that he was as upset with it as I was. And there mother had been tryin to call him, after a failed attempt of reaching him yesterday she text him askin "y can't you answer your phone?". So he got up and headed to our room to cal her, I gave him his peace and quiet honestly I don't know what I expected but due to my better lack of judgment after about 30 min I walk in the room. And he's laughing and gettin off the phone. So I of course had no interest in what happened after that. And kept it short with him the rest of the evening. I was mad to say the least so I posted my status as "Your all full of shit". Lol, my own little message to all of them I'll admit Jesse included. And haha someone knew that the message was for her cause Al asked "who's all full of shit" I ignored it. But then my dumb ass sister decided to say "this bitch has lost it" Which the other al, got a big kick out of it and posted hahhaha so then I commented my sister sayin "no seester I haven't" then that little shit posted "who you mad at my mom?" Uggh, lol so I said "hhahah NO" then she was like "damn in big letters" I just said "I'm not sure where you got that from, and the big letters are subtle." The real reason for the post was to get Jesse's attention anyways and that back fired. So then I made my status the lyrics from Eminem's : Almost Famous. Which goes : You dream of trading places, I have been changing faces. You can not fill these shoes, There is too much too lose. That's just the part I posted and then she had to get all dramatic :then come in my shoesD: and your know what im going though. Irritating I know!!! So I responded with the name and title of the song. Then I tried to tell Jesse that I'm tired of the bull and his response is "delete her" like serious? What the Fuck would that solve??

My decision

I shared a VERY personal time, via blog. And I poured alot of my feelings, thoughts and emotions into every min of it (i still do). But I have decided not to finish the 2nd half of the blog about our incident. It's very painful for me, I might reflect back to "it" from time to time. But I'm not trying to go back, were trying to go forward. So with that I will not be writing it. I will continue to blog about our && my personal struggles and IF someday that's where our road takes us then so be it. But for now, that chapter will remain skipped.

No such thing as personal property

Well, I have nice things. But I'm not at all materialistic I work hard to have what I have and so does Jesse. He tries his hardest to give me the world. But he got pretty lucky with me cause the world in my hands does not hold my contentment. A few months back Jesse and I were gonna go out, and I don't get too dolled up. But I like to at least look like someone that deserves to be out on the town with him. Serious that's how I feel. And, I'm normally pretty picky bout certain things and when we have a dinner date that I wanna dress up for I normally have a vision of what I wanna look like before I actually do lol. So, that particular night I wanted a certain hair clip. Yes a certain one. And I could not find it. I became a little irate and was looking up and down for it. I even told Jesse, ugghh where could it be? The next day, I went into my mother's restroom and it was there on the counter it appears she had worn it the night before to work and didn't return it to my hair clip box. I was quite annoyed buy the incident I don't ALWAYS do my hair nice, but I buy hair clips and when I wanna use one it should be there. If someone had obtained permission then I would of planned around it. Sound a little anal?? I don't think so. And, I'm not always so needy so it never occurs to me that I should make my feelings known. And, then the other day.......... I had bought this new make-up eyeshadow. Now I'm not a pro, but I like to test different shades out when I can. And try new looks. Well, the other morning my mother woke me up with what she likes to call a "true confession". Then she says that she was using my eyeshadow (the new one). And the sponge fell down the sink. She retrieved it, But the sinks inside is slimy so I might wanna wash it! Wth?!? Are you serious? Yes she was. And I was like Ugghh, MOM. And her demeanor was like hey I told you. Then the morning of Halloween I had to pack some make-up to take with me so that I can fix Marlene up &&&&& my eyeshadow was gone lol. I had to dig through her make-up to get mine!!

Trick O Treat

In the beginning of October, we asked the kids what they wanted to dress up as for Halloween. June said Link at first from Zelda and Rose wasn't so sure. As it got closer Jesse had given them a party city ad to see the costume's in case they changed there minds. And they of course did, I had originally approached Marlene about bein either Pocahontas and Or Jasmine from Aladdin. But she said No, no Princesses. So she picked "Princess Wildflower" an Indian but not Pocahontas. And, then the day before we go get costumes, she wants to be .......... a vampire. Of course.

And June, he decided to be Iron Man, which I thought was fun and I told everyone that he was Junie Stark. Now my sister didn't get her kids this Halloween due to the separation arrangements. So her a friend and my mother decided to participate in some thing that they were doin at my brothers church. So Jesse, the kids and I decided to go out to Hemet and have halloween out there at his mothers house, this was our 1st year by ourselves, we left his mom's house at 6pm. And by 7pm, the kids were done. In that hour they scored a von's bag full of candy and they were content with that. And when we got back to my mil's they handed out candy the rest of the night and they LOVED it. Everything was nice, and less stressful.